Letting the days go by

It seems like I don't post too much huh? I've been meaning to get my thoughts down but these past few months I've had TOO much to say and no kind of order to put them into. Here goes:

1. Husband had surgery. Sperm were found but weren't mature and the very few they found were deemed unusable. This and other factors found points to it being genetic in nature. His DNA was sent off and it will be months before we hear anything back.

2. We recieved orders to Cannon AFB in New Mexico. I'm pissed as hell about this and I'm not going quietly. The AF has cut us off at every pass it seems to diagnose and help us deal with our infertility and now they send us to a base that would make it impossible to travel to get treatments. Its like we're being punished for being uncouth infertiles. ( OK, yes that a little extreme. I'm a tad emotional these days..)

3. found out that a military base not 2 hours from here was opening their fertility program again but only for IUIs. Thats perfect, it can work! Better still: its free!!!

And thats it. Theres been a lot more over the past months but thats the quick and dirty version. I just had my HSG and am waiting to start my cycle in the next few weeks then I will start the Clo.mid and be on my way. I'm scared as fuck. I'm scared of failing, of it working, of losing a baby or having a baby. I'm also very happy, content and at peace with every choice we've made. I don't think I could ask for more than that at this point in my life. Besides waking up and being 30 pounds lighter with perky boobs.

We bring the funneh

We try to find the El Oh Els in everthing, even this bit of infertility fuckery. All of the other blogs, books, articles and so on that we have read related to azoospermia and the like just aren't us. We're highly immature to start with. We can't go to a single urology appointment where one or both of doesn't have a giggle fit because the doctor kept saying Penis. The one time he said Rectal Exam I nearly peed myself. We try to approach life in general with a healthy dose of good humour. He explained his condition to his brothers that " His man chowder was lacking in protein." In private we refer to it as his vacant downstairs apartment. Its fully furnished all the lights and utilities are on but its unoccupied. Seriously we have gotten so much milage out of this jokewise you'd never know its killing us too. But the one thing we do best ( besides funny accents*) is find the funny in the shitty stuff and just keep going.

We are waiting on a date for a testicular biopsy to see what really going on down there. We aren't being very hopeful. The only thing we're staying postive about it is that he'll come back with all the parts he went in with. Because we're going on a cruise the first week of September and he's got a speedo to fill out.


* We seriously almost didn't get married because he talked in an Irish accent for almost 3 weeks and had done it for so long he couldn't stop. It was really funny then got old when we had to meet with the pastor performing the ceremony and he was like oh wow you're from Ireland thats so cool and I had to explain that no, he just gets really commited to a joke. I tell him all the time any bump or lump is cancer and he never believes me. My Dr had to call him to get his permission to print out his lab work and I actually talked him into telling him I had cancer of the belly button (my biggest fear). It was awesome and he totally knew the guy was kidding.

I said WHAT?

One of the women I work with is pregnant and due very soon. We were talking about all things baby and how excited and nervous she is to be a first time mother. Then it happened.

Coworker: “I’ll just be glad when its all finally over and I’ll have one beautiful baby to love!”

Me: “What if you have 3 ugly babies, will that even it out?”


I swear to god I didn’t mean to say that and thankfully she has known me long enough and knows my sense of humor that she just laughed it off. Some day I swear I’m gonna grow up and start acting right.

Its been such a long time..

I haven’t been updating much; there hasn’t been much to say really. Husband came home from his deployment and we went on our trip to New Orleans . We had a good time but it was really hot. Two weeks we got our stimulus check and decided lets not do something adult like save the money for IVF let’s go to Di.sney! So we did. And it was awesome. I had never been before; it was really something to see. While we were there Husband got the call that he would be attending ALS. This was good but also presented a problem. You see we have been sharing a car for 7 years. That’s right; here in America we only have 1 car for our family! We live on base and work the same shift so really there has been no reason to get another car. We’ve been talking about it for a while but just never got around to it. So last week I did some looking online and Saturday we picked up our new Ice Blue 2008 Hyundai Accent. I love it and its mine.

So yeah for other reasons and this and that IVF and whatnot is at a stand still. A big reason is financial another is the donor. Our possible known donor still wants to do it, totally on board. We are also totally open to using an anonymous donor. Both of these situations have their pros and cons. Also we’re going to see a Dr. Friday about surgical options for Husband. It may be that he has something in there and the whole donor thing is not even an issue. We were looking at the donor angle because they initially said he was basically sterile for unknown reasons (zeros across the board on his SAs) after countless tests and even genetic testing. But we came to the conclusion that we have to do all we can, for all we known he has millions of sperm they just have no way to get out.

I think I mentioned here before that my cousin was having a baby and I was kinda ticked about it, with her being unmarried and a mess and they had picked out a dumb name for their baby. Yeah well her baby died at 31 weeks. And I feel like the biggest asshole. I know I had no way of predicting that would happen but it was a really sad situation. She was in the hospital for almost a month before Baby Girl passed and they knew she was going to it was just a matter of when. Baby Girl is her first child and while they didn’t have trouble conceiving and have been given the all clear that it wasn’t genetic, its obviously been very hard and tragic for her.

So there we are. Its been a busy month with lots of highs and lows. We’re waiting to see what the Dr on Friday says and hopefully get scheduled for surgery. With ALS it won’t be until August sometime but at least we’ll be on the path to getting some answers or at least another piece of the puzzle.

Well OK then..

When I was in high school I had the bestest Best Friend. We were both only children with dads so far off in the distance as to be be non existant. We had a lot in common and our friendship lasted from the first week of middle school until well after high school, when life and other adult things go in the way. The only thing we ever differed on was the subject of childen. I wanted tons, she loathed them. I made all my cash baby sitting, she once faked a seizure to get out of changing a diaper. So of course she's pregnant again when her first child is 6 months old. In a way I think its funny as hell because she was so adament about NEVER having kids. And of course its a little sad because I have none. Woe is me. Woe, woe, woe.

Of Dogs and Babies

I am a dog person. I come from a dog family. I could not see my life with dogs. When my mother left my Stepfather #1 we had to leave our 2 dogs behind. That was the hardest thing I had yet to encounter at age 13 and for many years I cried myself to sleep because I missed my puppies so much. When we moved in with Stepfather #2 he had 2 cats, we would have to wait to get another dog.



When I met my husband and we started talking seriously about have a shared future together ( Like on our 3rd date!) I told him hands down, no matter what you say, we are getting a dog as soon as possible. I had it all planned out: I wanted a black and tan miniature dachshund. I was raised by dachshunds pretty much. My grandma's weiner dog Mimi was born 2 weeks before me and lived to be 19. My fathers parents always had dachshunds, I just love the breed. I could see my little weiner dog wearing cute collars, waddling on walks and just doing what dachshunds do best: burrowing in couch blanket for a nice nap. It was all planned...



One morning about 10 months after we had moved to our first base in Georgia I woke up early. We had been having intense discussions all week about finding a breeder and starting to look for our weiner dog. But when I woke up that morning I knew we weren't getting a dachshund. We were going to the pound. I woke the husband up and off we went. We got to the Lowndes County Animal Shelter 10 minutes after they opened. We filled out the registry and waited for someone to take us back to the dog area. We were lucky the lady said, they were just putting out some new puppies for the first time today. The mother had been found and brought to the shelter where she had the puppies but had to be put to sleep soon after. The puppies had been fostered and hand feed but were now 8 weeks old and ready for forever homes. We knew we wanted a female pup but were open to anything ( I saw we but the husband has learned to just go along with my ideas at this point. He's a good man.) We saw a little white puppy who could have been a jack russell/ beagle mix ( The mother was a beagle). I knew this was my puppy! The lady said ok, but lets take the other female from the litter into the play room just in case. So we go into the room and sit down and try to coax the little white puppy over. Poor thing just sat in the middle of the room and peed on herself. The other puppy waddled over, climbed into my lap and started knawing on my shoelaces. I started to pet her and she looked up at me and I just knew this was my girl. God wanted me at the pound that day to give this dog the best home she could have.



I love my puppy so much. My husband is deployed a lot and we have no children so she is all I have sometimes. She feels my moods and is always there when I need to have kisses or give kisses. She is so silly and funny, it is impossible to be or upset around my sweet pup. I love to smell her fur when she comes in from outside, you can just smell the grass and sunshine. She isn't what we planned for and wasn't even our first choice but she is half dachshund. And I can't imagine our life without her.


Right now I totally realize how this mirrors our IF and the choices we are making. Right now I am seriously debating adopting first. If I am as healthy as they say and my eggs are so good, then why not put IVF off until I'm 32? Thats 4 years from now, and I'm not even saying we would wait that long. I just want a baby as soon as possible. I could care less the source. There is no rule that says you MUST have biological children before you adopt. Right now since I'm diverting 95% percent of my pay cheach pay period we would have enough money by the end of the year to start the adoption process. With the doctors being so fucktarded I'm almost so over the IVF thing before it starts. I just want the end result, I dont care how it comes. I thought I knew once what i wanted and made plans for it but thats not how ife turned out and now I have something I wouldn't trade for the world.

Too Sensitive?

In my email today I got one of those pass around email quiz thingys. I got it from my stepmother whom I think the world of. She sent it to me and her daughter, my aunt and cousins. One of the questions was about what you want/wish for someone else. She wrotethat she wished for her daughter, her husband and Husband and I to have children if we wanted them. WTF? She was one of the first people we told months ago that it wasn't going to happen and we needed to take extreme measures. It just kinda seemed like she was saying if we wanted babies hard enough it would happen. Her daughter and her husband don't want children ( Although I'm betting she hits 30 and gets mad baby fever. And of course she'll get knocked up right away, she's perfect. There are obviously issues here...). I just felt like it was a lame way word the statement. If it was a random person I'd just shrug it off but she totally knows the whole ugly sob story. Some days I just don't get it.

If you get the urge...

Just don't do it.

Don't ask me how husband is. Don't ask me if I've talked to him. For fucks sake PLEASE don't ask when he comes home. If you ask, you are asking for it. My husband is deployed, who cares? I do of course but just drop it please. My husband has been on 5 deployments in 4 years, I'm not new to this. He hates it, the food sucks, he's bored. Thats how he's doing, you know the same as every deployment. Yes I talk to him almost daily on the AFIM on the AF Portal. We don't talk about much, mostly the dog and what we had for dinner. My life goes on in its regular boring path with or without him. I can say with a great amount of honesty nothing intresting happens just because he isn't home. And lastly people should know by now that he can't say when he's coming home and if for some reason I knew, don't kid yourself that I would share the information. Yes this is unbeliveably cranky and bordering on rude but if I get asked these 3 questions again when I come into work tomorrow like I get them everyday, I could go off.

Don't even get me started on the diffrence between spouses with children whose sponsor is deployed and those spouses without children. I will say they both have thier challenges but 1 group doesn't need to be ignored over the other. I could go on for days with this topic.

I'm cranky, hungry and I need a nap.

Intresting news..

So today I went and had a chat with mother in law. I've been meaning to get over there but for one reason or another just hadn't gotten around to it. I was feeling guilty about so I went after I had lunch with my mom. We had a nice long talk about Husbands issue and our plans. She has been having a hard time with understanding why we can't just quick fix it or just take a pill to make it right. I understand thats her baby and no mother wants to hear her child has a problem like that but she makes him feel worse sometimes by being in such deep denial. I think she finally understands now but we'll see how that works out. Another thing that did suprise me was she knew about us maybe using a known donor and who it was. We weren't going to bring it up until it was a done deal, that we knew for sure he wanted to do it. From what she says he is dead set on doing it. Well alright then, thats awesome! We were going to wait until Husband got home from this deployment to bring up the issue with him, that would have given him almost months to think about it. But I'm excited, if it turns out w have to use a donor it will be nice to have one on his family tree.

In other news I'm so bummed, I was supposed to go see Elton John tonight but he cancelled and rescheduled for next month. Dammit.

Don't Tell!

So I wouldn't say that this blog is a secret but Husband doesn't know I have it. I'm really good at keeping secrets, honest! But I am about to burst if i don't write this down or tell someone. OK, I have always loved New Orleans and wanted to take Husband there for years. So when he gets back from his deployment I'm taking him there on a secret roadtrip! We only live a few hours away, so I'm going to tell him that we're going to be steaming the carpets ( something I've been swearing to do forever) and thats why he has to take the dog to my moms house. While he's gone I'm going to pack. When he gets home, I'm going to go on and on about him smelling that he needs to get his dirty ass in the shower. While he is in the shower I'm going to load up the car and the gps. As soon as he gets done and is dressed I'm gonna hustle him into the car and set forth to New Orleans. Ya'll even when we get there he won't say a word! I'm not saying he isn't smart but...A few years ago after he came back from another deployment I suprised him with a trip ro Las Vegas for a week. I told him we were going to Gatlinburg with my dad and stepmom but that we were going to fly to atlanta and meet them there and then drive to Gatlinburg. ( Some backstory: We hate to drive together, if we drove cross country only 1 of us would make it back.) I told him we were flying so it wouldn't be so much of a long drive for us and a little bit of luxury for once. So we get to atlanta then board another plane to Vegas. Not a word from him. The plane gets in the air, the pilot is talking about flight times and hopes everyone enjoys Vegas. About half an hour into the flight Husband leans over and says "Did you know this flight is to Vegas?!" So I pull out a folder and show him the hotel and all the tickets I bought to shows we wanted to see AND THE MAN STILL DIDN'T GET IT! This is what happens when you marry a man for his good looks. He'll enjoy the trip though, its something we've wanted to do for years. Glad I got that off my chest!

Its not just for procreation!

I have had zero sex drive the past few months. For a few months before we got our diagnosis in May of 2007, sex was becoming a scheduled, timed thing. Pretty darn unsexy sometimes. I can remember telling Husband "Look I'm tired, you don't have to impress me, just stick it in and go. Try not to move me around a lot, I have to be up early." After we got the news that it was the Husbands sperm, he understandably needed some time. He felt less of a man, which breaks my heart ya'll. We were able to move past it and get back on the stick (Heh!) but its not the same yet. Its very hard to go from yay, I'm getting laid & pregnant! to yay, I'm getting laid but what leads to something amazing for everyone else, is never gonna fucking happen for me. Its very hard to get the special feelings back. Now I know I'm lucky this is the only issue we've been having. No fighting, no sulking or holding in feelings. I think it has to do with the fact that we are both really practical people, just the facts please. The fact is we can't have a baby the way we thought, whats the next best way to do it and how soon can we sign up? I sure miss the lazy butthead, its not the same without him.

My dirty little secret

The hardest part I've had to deal with, is the secret of of the nature of our infertility. There are a lot of unintelligent people who would equate a lack of sperm with a lack of manhood. Trust me ya'll Husband does not lack in that department. Its one thing for women to happen into a discussion of infertility and share a personal story while standing in line at the store or waiting for a bathroom stall. Guys would never do that. I think another factor is Husband being in the military. its all about being Manly Men. Manly men don't have health issues! They certainly don't have sperm issues. We live in an area of base housing that is sperate from the main base, just across the highway from the base. We are the only family who lives over here who don't have children. Military Spouses are always regarded as fertile beings. There is no one I can think of here who I could talk to about this. Not just the Male Factor issue but being infertile in general. It does sting a bit tonight that I found out some friends we had in Georgia who said they were totally waiting to have kids, didn't want them until he got out of the military, are totally accidently pregnant. Le Sigh.

A Fine Whine

I just feel so stuck right now. My husband is deployed, won't be back for a bit yet. My PCM is screwing around with the one measly letter he has to send to get us into the IVF program we want. Its just waiting, waiting, waiting. I'm seriously thinking about switching to a diffrent place. I just need info on it. It will be in San Antonio where the Husbands brother lives. We could always crash with them or I have the hookup in lodging on the base. Its no too much of a horrific drie, only about 11 hours. I think its like 18+ to the other place we were thinking about. I'm just so sad and angry about the whole thing. Honestly I think it has more to do with its not me with the problem. If it were me I'd be researching and calling and talking about my feelings with anyone who wouold pretend to listen. We let people think the problem lies with me and I'm ok with that. Sometimes I just wanna scream I'M NOT INFERTILE!! But the truth is, I am. My husband has Male Factor and we're in this together. I'm learning day to day how to deal with this. Somedays are better, somedays its bitter, party of one. Through it all though, nothing has been able to stop me from prowling the baby aisle at Target. I freaking love the stuff there. Someday I will get to register there. Someday it'll be alright.

Right now, or really the last week I have relly been giving some thought as to how long I really want to go before we head on to adoption. Right now I think 3 cycles of IVF/ICSI will be enough. If we can't do it in 3, I don't think I'll have the financial or emotional will to go again. I'd rather regroup and move on to adoption. Saturday was a bad day. Saturday I just wanted to move on to adoption. I just want a damn baby! I really care less how it comes. I would love a biological child but I'm so not picky. I'm one bad horomonal day away from stealing a baby from wal.mart. Seriously. They just leave them there unattended. You can almost see the Free To A Good Home sign pinned to thier little onesies.

Feelings..

So of course since we are dealing with infertility, everyone around us is pregnant. Without trying. By pure accident. And its funny, some of these people I am seriously excited for. Others not so much. Husband's oldest brother and his wife have been trying awhile and had a loss. They told everyone Christmas morning they were expecting. I am over the moon about being an Aunt! They totally deserve the happiness they are getting. My Stepdad's niece, she got knocked up on an oops and is due this summer. When my mom called to tell me about it, my exact words were "Who the fuck cares if someone knocked that whore up?". I have never liked the girl, thats a whole diffrent set of issues on its own But I even have to admit maybe I should have kept that to myself. I have several blogs/internet groups that I read/blelong too and I'm always soexcited and genuinely happy when those women get thier BFPs. In real life it seems to vary. Its just an odd observation I've been making about myself. ( And for the Brother-In-Law, honestly we don't care so much for each other so its not that I'm happy for them because I like them.)

I just have to say...

Since the start of our journey as Infertiles, I have been seriously unimpressed by the lack of information out there about Male Factor Infertility and Donor Sperm. There is a ton of information about using donor sperm but it is all aimed at same sex couples. If it is mentioned there may be only a few sentences devoted to the subject and 45 pages on using a donor egg. For the life me I cannot figure out why using donor sperm is treated as something thats almost dirty and forbidden, like its a secret problem. But using a donor egg is a beautiful, powerful step to take. WTF? I think it comes down to sperm isn't cute. It requires masterbation and probably some copies of Hustler. Donating eggs can be a painful process but both donated egg and sperm do the same thing: They help couples acheive what they desire most aboue all else, a baby. I just wish there wasn't such a wall around the subject. There is an RE in our town that comes so highly reccommended. We went to see him and told him that there is a chance we might use a known donor. He told us flat out he wouldn't use a known donor. ButI bet if my cousin or want wanted to donoate her eggs to me it wouldn't be an issue. Needless to say we won't be using that doctor, even if we have to travel outside of our area. I don't need small minds around me. This is hard enough as it is without some guys opinion. There are a few good books out there, Helping The Stork has been a lifesaver but its one book out of thousands. I could go on for days on the subject, it just really chaps my ass.

All About Me!

My name is Amy, I'm so close to 30 I could lick it. I live in Florida with my husband and our sweet baby dog, Roxie. I have a job I hate but I keep plugging away at it everyday anyway. If I had the body to strip I probably would. I read A LOT, usually a book a day and I enjoy grape juice and doritos. I think I'm stunningly average and I'm sure the dog agrees with me, she has killer instincts.



I'm an only child, my parents have taken the sport of remarriage to olympic levels and never had another biological child. I was adopted by my 1st stepfather who promptly turned out to be an asshat ( this is THE nicest thing can say about him) which saddled me with a truly awful last name which allowed me to be made fun of all though school. Thanks mom! To make matters worse they were divorced by the time I was 13, my good fortune would continue for several years. I'm closest to my Grandparents, I love them to bits. I met my husband in high school but we didn't date or anything, we were very diffrent. He played D&D and I was So Goth I Was Dead. A few years after high school we met up again ( ok, ok, on the internet!). We had our first date August 31, 2001 and got married September 6, 2002. It all happened pretty fast for us we were actually engaged by Christmas 2001. We've been married for almost 6 years now. He is in the military and so far we have lived in Georgia and Florida.


We pretty much started trying for a baby right away. Thats what military people do. They get married young and have lots of kids. We felt confident it could happen to us too. We didn't try really hardcore, like with OPKs and temping but we figured just keep plugging away and it'll happen. If it takes a few months thats ok, we really weren't in a rush. We moved from Georgia to Florida, had a few deployments, some hurricane evacuations, so obviously there were some times where we didn't or couldn't try. I'd get a little down sometimes but I figured all in good time. We had only been married 3 years, we enjoyed our time together, not worried about not being pregnant yet. There is another factor to this story though. I had steaily over the years been gaining weight. I had major thyroid problems and medication wasn't helping. I developed Diabetes. And Gout. And High Blood Pressure. I was on 8 medications a day. I was in no shape to be having a baby really. So I made the choice to have Gastric Bypass. As soon as i made this choice we stopped trying for a baby. It took almost a year from the time I decided to have the surgery to the day they wheeled me into the operating room. It was the best choice I ever made. I have lost 90 pounds so far and I fell great and normal!


You have to wait a year to 18 months after surgery to start having babies. I waited and then we went at it with gusto! Fertility rates sky rocket after surgery since your body is so much healthier. Still no baby. One day on the off hand chance I suggested that my husband go get tested, its free so why not? The problem was all mine anyway, what with being overweight and having health problems. The husband is healthy as a horse! Except his semen anylsis came back no sperm found. So did the next one and the 6 tests after that. We were floored. He went through all kinds of tests, had to show his weiner to so many people and be fondled by unattractive nurses. We had his chromosomes checked, blood tested, ultrasounds, xrays the whole 9 yards. But it all came back the same. If he was producing sperm it wasn't coming out and they didn't know why. They didn't even know if was producing sperm at all.


So thats where we are now. Its been almost a year since we got the diagnosis of Azoospermia. We decided to use donor sperm becuase they said surgery wouldn't help they didn't expect to find anything. Then they back tracked and said no we could find sperm we just have to dig for it. We were going to use an unkown donor until someone in his family said they wanted to be the donor. This is still an issue that is up in the air. We're giving this person time to think his choice through. We're going to be doing IVF/ICSI. Now its just a matter of saving the money and figuring out the donor. ( We have a list of unkown donors should the known donor decide not to do it. Which I will totally understand. We lived for months with the idea of an unkown donor before the known donor offered, its not too much of stretch to go back to an unkown.)

Now something thats funny to maybe just us

A few months ago the husband and I were trying to find a parking spot at a shopping center and it was cold and raining which meant all the nearest spots were gone. The only parking spaces even remotely near the store entrance were the Expectant Mother/ Parents Of Newborns parking spaces. I love these spaces! I think they are a great idea and they have them all over Florida. Lately however, in my brain its just one more thing the motherhood club has excluded me from: a primo parking space when its cold and raining. So I turn to the husband and say "We should totally be allowed to park there. I'm an expectant mother! I'm expecting to get pregnant any day now!". We laughed and laughed and its something that always makes us giggle now when we see the signs. I really think I should be allowed to park there if the parking lot is pretty much empty and that space is free. ( No matter how evil I get I don't think I could honestly take that space if it was the last one. Give me a few more months.)

Scene from a mall

So. This weekend I was at our local mall. It was saturday and of course packed with all kinds of babies, toddlers, small children and heavily pregnant women. Yay. But I needed an outfit for when my husband gets home from his deployment so i just needed to suck it up and try to stick to the four main stores and hope to avoid crowds. I find the perfect outfit, the pants and shirt were on sale, I was on a roll. I'm standing in line behind a woman with her friend and shes holding a baby who looks to be about 6-8 months old. Very cute. I'm doing ok, no bad feelings, just a baby being a baby and I'm cool with it. Then the mother starts very loudly talking about how much it sucks to have a small baby, she's tired, its hard, no one mentioned it would be hard, her life sucks. And this is when it all goes down hill. This woman had not exactly regained her figure after she had her baby and from her reaction to what would come out of my mouth I would say she was kind of sensitive to that fact. Without really even thinking about it I pipe in with "Wow then its really lucky then that you able to get pregnant with your next baby so soon! How far along are you?". Two things: 1) She obviously wasn't pregnant I just wanted to be a dick. Mission accomplished. 2) I used to be fat. Like I had gastric bypass a year ago fat. I know exactly how mean I sounded and how much it hurt because I had people ask me if I was pregnant more times than I can count. But I did it anyways and didn't care. Its times like this I really realize how this whole infertility thing is changing me and bringing out my not so nice side. And let me be honest here that was my dominate side to start with so now I'm just some raging bitch who snaps at the mall on a balmy Saturday.