So..yeah.
My little Bun will be 7 months old in a few days. Pretty sure I've mentioned before that I'm a bad blogger. She's amazing! I love my BunBun so much, I get a physical ache when I have to be away from her. Being a mother is the most wonderful and draining thing ever. I've struggled with ideas of the Mother I wanted to be and the more realistic version that I am. I wanted to be a stay at home, cook every night, clean house mom but instead I'm a work part time, ordering out food, cluttered house mom. There is a light at the end of the tunnel. As she is getting older and more independant I'm finding a better balance..everyday I feel a tad more in control. The worst part? Breastfeeding.
Oh the breastfeeding! It was the one thing I really was adamant about and everything in my birth plan was geared toward starting that bond right from the start. When they put her on my chest I remember my doula reaching up and pulling my gown down, Bun wriggled up and latched on, there is a picture it did really happen. After a bit they took her to the NICU to get checked over and make sure her lungs were clear of any meconium, afterward I learned she was aggressivly aspirated several times despite her lungs being obviously clear. Later that night she wouldn't latch..but hey it had been a big day no big deal, she'll eat when she wants to. Next morning still not latching, she wouldn't even open her mouth, I'm told to either supplement her myself or she would be taken to the NICU and it would be done for more. All requests for the Lactation Consultant on staff were delayed or brushed off.I sobbed while I gave her that first bottle. By the time we took her home on the second day it was a struggle to even bottle feed, when I would offer her the breast she would scream and go rigid. Also not helping was my milk didn't come in until almost 5 days after she was born. I started pumping as soon as we had gotten home, it was awful. Seeing so little milk was very disheartening. I kept saying I think something is wrong, something isn't right with this but was put off that it was horomones or just new mom worries. Finally when she was 7 days old I called a LC that was also a LLL leader. She came the next day and evaluated Bun and I. She wasn't optimistic, my nipples were a bit large for my teeny baby and she had a bad suck aversion. She promised she would help me anyway she could, that maybe bun just needed to grow a bit or I might have to exclusively pump. So we started: Using a SNS feeder, taking warm baths to simulate birth then putting her on the breast- which oddly enough would prompt her to nurse but she wouldn't do it outside the bath. Some days she didn't want any of it..she would go for a week without any of these aides, screaming even if she heard me unclip my bra. I was pumping every 2 hours around the clock, I was exhausted and she wasn't sleeping either due to a growth spurt or demonic possesion.
We kept seeing the LC once a week. She would make progress then regress. I was considering giving up all together. I wasn't pumping enough, she had been getting formula for weeks. I had quit my job so I could be home to use the SNS or take a rebirthing bath. The main issue was she wanted the breast, she just didn't know how to take it or what to do with it. She would cry and root and paw at my breasts but we couldn't make it work. After 10 weeks of this I had had enough. I was just going to pump, give her what I could and try to make it to 6 months doing that. A few days after I made up my mind we attended a wedding. When we got home she was just over tired and stimulated. We tried everything. Finally I figured I'd offer the breast, couldn't hurt she was pissed anyway! I get rigged up with the nipple shield (the only way she would take it) and holy shit, she nursed then promptly fell asleep! You could have knocked me over with fairy wings, I was excited but not wanting to get my hopes up. Over the next few days she would nurse several times a day but only with the shield. I still had to supplement her on occasion but my milk production picked up noticeably.
Around week 14 she was nursing one night and somehow flipped the nipple shield off and before I could get it back on she relatched and went to town! Normally she would have a fit until it got back on but this time I think it clicked. We had to use it a few times the next couple days but after that she was shield free and on the breast 100%! It was a long haul, it was very hard emotionally. I could have fed her formula full time, I have nothing against it..this was for me as much as for her I think. I honestly think if we have another baby and have these issues I wouldn't go through it again. It still isn't perfect, I don't respond well to the pump, I can only get about 4oz in an 8 hour period. When she was 4 months I came back to work part time. When she is at my MIL's she has to get formula because I can't pump enough. I wish I hadn't let it get to me so much, I really feel I wasted precious weeks with her worrying and stressing about my breasts.
So kids, today's lesson is trust yourself if you think you have a problem and know a fantastic kick ass Lactation Consultant.
