Can't carry a tune

Can't follow directions very well either it seems.

I went this morning for my blood work and ultrasound..The Dr comes in, they can't find my treatment plan. So they ask me what days I took the meds and I tell them exactly what they told me and I had written down..5 days of BCPs 5 days of Letro.zole. Tension rises. They find the notes where yes someone did talk to me and call all that stuff in..but it was supposed to be 10 days of BCPs then 5 of Letro.zole. Which sounds right, because they other way didn't BUT when I called to confirm it was 5 days of each they said that was correct. Well for the past day or so I had been getting what I know to be ovulation indicators..increased CM and a really heavy feeling in my ovary areas..well yeah cuz I got some big ass follies up in there! 1 was at 30, 1 at 24 and 1 at 16- all on the left. The right had a bunch of tiny ones under 6. So they pow-wow for a minute and came back with - well it was a huge communication error, our bad..trigger tonight and come back for the IUI on friday.

That was unexpected. I was mentally prepared for the 9th or 12th..I think I'm a little nervous. A coworkers husband is a flight medic so he is going to give me the shot..and I'll wake up at 5am my time and order the swim team! Turns out my fuck up wasn't too bad after all! And I get to go to Maca.roni Gri.ll After!!

I wish I could say my mental health day I took last week relaxed me a bit. The plan was to take my kindle and go out to the beach to read and people watch. The reality was I did laundry all day and never even got around to putting on a bra or real clothes. Being an adult blows sometimes.

Took a mental health day off work..

And not a single shit was given all day.

Highly recommended.

The price of happiness..

The ONLY reason we are even doing the IUIs at this point in time is because though my job on base I have insurance that supposedly covered 6 IUIs. The past few weeks I have been thinking about quitting my job or finding a different job in the same organization..sort of all depending on how much exactly the insurance was going to cover for the IUI. The company has been really vague about what and how much they cover for anything so I was pretty prepared to hear some high numbers when I called the RE to get at least a guesstimate about what I'll owe on IUI day. I'll owe a whole $24.02. Yeah, not gonna be cleaning out my desk just yet. Truthfully my job isn't that bad. We have new management and just undergoing a lot of changes and growing pains all at once. It might get better soon or I'll get pregnant, go on bed rest and quit after my maternity leave is up.

The trigger shot kit arrived and oh my holy god those needles are big. There has been no word if they do the actual sticking or if I have to trust my husband to do it. Whom I normally don't even trust to order my drink at Star.bucks (Venti iced coffee with 4 pumps of toffee nut & nonfat- it never changes guy!) I loves him but having him come at me with pointy objects is quite another thing. I actually give myself B-12 injections once a month but those are little tiny needles..these are gigantor needles.

But wait there's more!

Aww...seriously thanks you guys! I just want you to know I would totally cut a bitch for any of you. It gets better though..are you ready? She's having twins. Yeah. Now on one hand I'm am genuinely happy for her. After all the dr appointments, monthly disappointments and multiple miscarriages she is finally Living The Dream. But could she do it elsewhere maybe? I'm not sure what this is I'm feeling today..I think its jealousy and shame. I didn't think I was capable of feeling resentful I guess. Not towards a fellow infertile, I thought I was above that- same team and all right? And she was surprisingly considerate about it. We were talking about how she's gonna have to buy 2 of everything and she stopped and was like do you mind that I'm talking about this so much? I said no, this is totally your day- you've earned it. And she has. All pity parties were totally held in private and off the clock. I think more I felt like she should have maybe just told a few select people..in light of the fact that she's had several miscarriages just this year. I'm worried for her. I did joke with her a bit that she has set the bar pretty high for me now..can't really top twins! Of course we all want to get that BFP right on the first try but that's just not realistic all the time. But at least it won't be totally INMYFACE since they are moving her out of our facility since she is active duty and we have a "high stress environment". Only ok for pregnant civilians.

I just finished up 5 days of BCP's and start the letr.ozole today..I'm trying so hard not to be OMFG practically pregnant (unrealistic) and keep a cool demeanor (active fantasy life on the inside). I'm not going to lie..when the trigger shot gets here I'm going to squeal a bit. Thank god the sperm tanks don't get delivered to the house, I'd probably try to include it in a family portrait.

In short- I'm a mess. I can't believe a medical professional thinks I'm mature enough to have children. Once its out of the oven, too late I touched it! no backsies!

I say bad words in this one..more than usual.

Thank you all so much for thoughts about my cousin, it really means a lot to me.

Oh hey, that infertile friend I have? Crossed over to the other side! So now instead of her crying everyday about how unfair it all is that they have tried for a whole YEAR and STILL don't have a baby..I get to hear about her betas and OMG are they doubling?? Now to be fair she has had 2 miscarriages this year and of course no infertile is ever having a really good time with life. But not 2 weeks ago she was sobbing about how it was too hard and she couldn't do it anymore..like in front of customers. I had to take her out back and basically tell her hey I know but srsly keep it together in the front office..use the crying stall in the bathroom if you need to. With a little math..she was already pregnant during this outburst..my secret theory? The reason she couldn't get a referral or a Dr to take her seriously is that she can't add. Or use an OPK properly. Yes, she obviously has issues staying pregnant but she keeps getting pregnant at "off" times. Then she outed me at work by announcing "I was totally next and hey how'd that appointment with the fertility doctor go?". I took her aside and calmly (yay for me!) told her that wasn't everyone information please keep it under wraps..she said she felt bad and was a bit embarrassed. Then, omg, fucking then she says maybe you'll have a miracle like me and won't need fertility drugs!

Reader, I could have choked the fucking life out of her. She knows good goddamned well I'm not getting a miracle. I was literally speechless. And 20 minutes later I caught her smoking outside. I had to take a xanax because I was going to have a stroke. I have been trying to keep off my fancies (as I like to call them) but today it was an emergency. I know she's happy and stressed and worried but good lord I'd like to think *I* wouldn't turn into such an asshole as soon as I got a positive beta. I'd at least wait a few weeks. Sheesh.

But I came home, snuggled with my doggies and made cinnamon rolls from scratchish. The rolls may have come from a tube but the icing is homemade! It counts!

The good and the bad

Started my cycle today, called the RE and we are off to the races my friends! I had a feeling they weren't going to make me wait until my cycle started in September..glad to get some good news! I picked up the bcps today and will start them tomorrow. Called the pharmacy place and ordered my trigger shot. After the 1st I'll order the swim team and have it sent to the office and depending on how everything looks the IUI will be between the 9th-12th of September. I'm more concerned about cost than anything..my insurance actually covers a portion of the IUI, I was told I'd pay less than $100 but I like knowing firm factual things. I'm having a hard time getting excited today, my cousin passed away early this morning. He told his wife he wanted to be home by tonight if that was ok with her and she told him to go whenever he felt ready..he went about 3 hours later. I cannot convey in words how deeply I feel for her and their children.

They know something I don't know!

Or do they? Those coy RE mothers, holding out on me!

No really, I have no clue. I got a call from a pharmacy wanting my insurance info and I had the presence of mind to at least ask what it was for. I had my fingers crossed for a quart of liquid lora.tab but it was for the trigger shot. I was a little stunned so I don't even remember the brand. The lady asked me when I needed it by and I said I had no clue, I thought the new plan was after my September cycle, basically October. She said the order they had was to deliver it no later than August 30. But using that date doesn't make it fit into this cycle either. I just don't know. I'm not new to being infertile but I am new to all the fancy drugs, doctors and vagina exams. I hate being the new kid.

My cousin is 24, active duty Army and has 3 children under 5, the youngest less than 6 months. He has been in a medicated coma for over a week undergoing chemo for masses on both his lungs. His sister is getting married today, tomorrow they will take him off the ventilator and he will either breathe on his own or slip away. The odds that he will breathe are very, very low. 2 trips to the desert but cancer just doesn't give a fuck.

It has rained every day for a week now

Moving right along into the month..I'm due to start my cycle Friday at the earliest, Monday at the latest. I did my OPK last week got a smiley face on the appropriate day. Sometimes I feel like ZOMG we are TRYING soon!!!111. Other days its just a mountain I can't climb, see over or even attempt to navigate around. I have been seeing a counselor but really its just me bouncing the same ideas off another person, she has no idea what I'm actually dealing with or really even how to guide me. I guess just getting it out helps.

All these years I've longed for an infertile friend, someone who knew what it was all about, we could commiserate over coffee, alcohol and cigarettes (hey if we can't have kids may as well live it up). Turns out, its not so much fun. I have a coworker with PCOS and recently discovered MF issues. She's looking into seeing my RE and I fully support her and she always has my ear and shoulder. But between the two of us its a bit of a sobfest. I suck at being a girl. My only nod to femininity is my shoe collection so the overload of girl hormones that gets to flowing is a bit much for me. An people, she's a hugger. I'd prefer a light pat on the arm or not at all- PDA is like water boarding for me. Yeah its nice to have a real life buddy in the trenches but I think maybe I should have wished for a kitten instead.

Embarrassing thing I wouldn't tell real life people but I like you:

When I ejected my OPK stick I noticed it had 2 lines on the test part and my first thought was holy shit THAT'S what 2 lines looks like!! I then spent the rest of my bathroom time pretending I was telling people I was with child. Then I bought myself a trenta iced coffee to celebrate (which you obviously shouldn't do in real life.) What can I say, I have a rich fantasy Life.

Crushed

My dog is blind. Also How did I not know?

When we got her, even as a small puppy she would run into things or bump into stuff and it was just silly puppy clumsiness. As she got a bit older it seemed to happen more and I noticed her eyes had a bluish tint to them. I thought as she got much older she might have cataracts like my other dachshunds (she is half doxie) but that would be many years on down the road. So at their yearly vet appt today I asked if he could look at her eyes. He feels she has progressive retinal atrophy and that she is about 90% blind. She might see shadows but that's about it. PRA is present from birth and happens slowly so the dog actually has some adjustment to losing their sight and isn't painful. It's also not curable and my poor sweet butterbutt will eventually be totally blind. I am just crushed, I'm one of those crazy dog people I think my dogs are little people. She sleeps with me every night and has since she was 4 months old. I told her if she was totally house trained she wouldn't have sleep in her crate anymore. She never had another accident in the house from that morning. (Really she sleeps between the sheet and the blanket down by my feet, she loves to burrow.) She always come in from outside smelling like sunshine and fresh grass. She loves it when you nuzzle behind her ears where her fur is extra soft. She is the most lovable dog I've ever met. She will let you pick her up and hold her in any position for hours, as long as she is getting attention she could care less. My poor Baby Barkington, my little puppy soul mate. I am really upset about this, she is in doggy heaven though. I feel terrible so she go to go through the Star.bucks drive thru and got a cup with some whipped cream and a dog bone in it, they love her at that store and spoil her terribly. Her dad ran out to pick up some things at the store and got her some fries at a another drive thru. My god if we had 2 legged children they would probably get ponies for every splinter.