I am officially growing a person!

We had out first ultrasound yesterday, The Dark Passenger is clocking in right on target at 6w4d. We could see the heart beating right away which was of course a beautiful sight to see. I knew I was a bit nervous about maybe not seeing something good but I guess I didn't realize how heavy that weight was until it was gone. We are now released to a regular OB just like regular people!

Not much is going on, I've pretty much been hibernating in preparation for yesterday- google is not really a pregnant girls friend. Still knocking on wood, no morning sickness. I'm a zombie by 6pm and my boobs are like fluffy painful rocks. No weight gained yet but when I changed after work today my jeans were fitting a little closer to the waist. I'm not complaining- I've earned my bump!

I did read a great book Do Chocolate Lovers Have Sweeter Babies? By Jena Pincott, its about all the changes that take place during pregnancy and the scientific and evolutionary causes behind them. The author was pregnant with her first baby while writing it so she was able to relate to the research and it really shows. It's sciencey but was a really neat read.

ZZZzzzzzZZZZ

I'm pretty sure that even as I type this I'm asleep. I am SO tired. Exhausted doesn't even begin to cover this level of sleepiness. I managed to stay up until 9:45 last night like a boss and it was a struggle. My bewb expansion continues although my waist hasn't grown at all. I know its a bit early yet for any showing but I've always been very afraid that my weight would spiral out of control from the moment of conception. It helps that it's really hard for me to eat past 6pm..I'm just not hungry and everything sounds unappetizing. I make myself eat but try to stick to high protein small meals. I stomach even turned down doritos last night and it LOVES doritos. And the gas? If you could slap a propeller on my ass we could all go to the Fl Keys for cheap! Symptoms remain strong, anxiety is oddly low. I knew I'd be thrilled to bits to be pregnant but its more like an all consuming happiness. I am happy. Even if this doesn't end in a screaming goo covered baby 8 months from now, I think I'll always remember this feeling in the most positive way.

For now Lulu, our big dog is in no danger of doggie death row. I called and spoke with the head of animal control and explained that I'm newly pregnant and she's very protective of me even before that. The lady was very understanding and willing to listen but was very firm in that if it happens again she WILL be labeled dangerous and removed from the home. Which I understand and logically if she ever showed aggression to my uterus nugget I'd take her to the pound myself. But she's still my puppy girl, the skin and bones dog we rescued from being put down because she had been at the shelter for 90 days and they were over crowded. She's the pup who kept me sane during this last deployment when I'd had major surgery and had no energy except to lay on the couch and rub her ears. It kills me to think that our failing her somewhere in her training will cause her death. I fully admit to being an all out crazy animal person who believes that animals are better than most of the humans I know. And I love mine to pieces.

Beta #2

76 to 799..not too shabby! Maybe this baby just takes after me..I'm a slow starter but once I'm up wearing pants I'm going a mile a minute. The ultrasound will be after thanksgiving, they'll call with a date next week.

Sweet bobble head dashboard baby jesus this is getting more real by the day! I did fess up to my boss today, we work in a small office with 2 desks that face each other so it would be hard to hide, plus she has to know about all the appointments. And admittedly I just wanted to say it out loud. She's genuinely happy for me, it's been no secret that this is something we've been working towards for a while.

So now I can relax (HAH!) next hurdle: ultrasound!

Stupid long weekend. The RE's office was closed on friday when I should have gotten my second beta so I have to wait until monday. I. AM. DYING. All I can obsess about is every bad outcome possible. Convinced my beta isn't rising appropriately. We told our parents and warned them to keep their mouths shut..and they told EVERYONE. So now if we have a bad outcome its just more people to tell. I am actually doing well with optimism which not my default setting. I bought a pregnancy book for my husband and even joined baby.center! Which just confirmed that I am deeply scarred by this whole and pretty much cannot interact with regular fertiles. Dear lord especially other military wives- the ones whose only occupation is pumping out baby after baby. I've always referred to my military i.d. as a breeder's club card. I hope there isn't a complicated handshake to learn.

Also I'm pretty sure my boobs weren't this big last week. I'm a DD anyhow, I had sorta hoped any breast expansion would be minimal and spread out over the 9 months. Even my MIL noticed I was sporting some deeper cleavage. I am now waking up twice a night to pee which again I expected the peeing to start a little later. Still no morning sickness but some episodes of queasiness in the evening.

My dogs have been more clingy than usual..I was laying in bed with our bigger dog and the littler one jumped on the bed, the big dog jumped on her and bit her leg open. The little dog needed 10 stitches and a cone of shame. I just don't know what to do about it. It was So out of character for the big dog who is submissive to the little one (who is older and maybe littler by a 2 inches and 5 pounds) but the vet had to report it to the county because of the severity of the bite and they might label her dangerous and remove her from the home. That means she'll be put to sleep. I am so upset about it.. she is a great dog and I think she was startled and just being protective of me. We signed a contract with the adoption place we got her from saying we would have to return her there is we were giving her up but they are a kill shelter and will surely put her down. We have a trainer coming this week, a former coworker of mine, to see if any behavior modification will help. So much for a stress free week!

Thank you everyone so much for kind words and well wishes, I greatly appreciate each and every one of you!

The whole drive to the RE's office I just KNEW. I knew the beta would be positive, I'm fully with child, life is yay!

The whole drive home I knew it would be negative, I read the tests wrong. I'd have to tell my mom I'm a dumbass who can't read a simple pregnancy test that any highschooler can operate.

They said they would call at lunch. WTF time does these people go to lunch?? When the phone rang I almost threw up on it.

"Congratulations , you're pregnant!", I almost fainted. Because of course I can't just be happy for me I felt I could have done better on the numbers. Like studied harder or something. Beta #1 was 46 at 13dpo. I am beyond thrilled, Husband is bouncing off walls. No matter what happens, today I am pregnant!

And it really explains the things I've been brushing off all week:

- The extreme tiredness that has put me in bed by 8 pm every night this week

- The ability to smell anything, EVERYWHERE

- Much gagging caused by smells, and a nagging queasiness that starts about 6 pm

- No aching boobs but they do feel heavier

Hmm..

2 lines again this morning..darker than yesterdays. I think this is turning into a real thing. I'm excited but cautious. I did text the picture (super blurry) to my mom with the warning to keep her mouth shut and not to breathe a word or even think about it very hard. Its very strange..I almost feel like this happened so casually. I'm going out of my mind waiting until Wednesday. The 2ww has nothing on this.

Day 10

So with 4 days left until beta day..I've been doing pretty good. Things are..odd but generally explainable. I have been experiencing frequent urination BUT I am a tea drinker. I take a glass with me to work so its a set amount not a constant stream all day. And I've been peeing about every 1.5 hours instead of like the 2 times usually at work (I avoid our nasty office bathroom as much as possible) My coworker yesterday even asked outright if I had something to share since everyone has noticed how much I've been going to the bathroom. Some twinges and pullings going on every so often in the downstairs but again that could be all the pickled jalapenos I've been eating. One thing that does stand out: My boobs do NOT hurt. When I'm about to start my period my boobs hurt with the fury of a thousand bee stings for a good week before I start. Still nothin. Then I did something I shouldn't have done: I POAS. I KNOW. And there was kind of a second line. That was yesterday evening ( ok..and the evening before.) And they both had a faint but definite line. This morning..no line (I did test yesterday morning and also got nothing but got a line later in the day.) So I think it could be a few things. 1- Trigger wasn't totally out even though at 5 days I started getting BFNs and assumed it was 2- Not enough pee in the a.m. from getting up in the night 3- I'm just a psycho who needs to not order pee sticks in bulk off ama.zon available for repeated testing anytime of day. I did show Husband the 2 with the lines just to make sure they were actually there. He is excited but aware that I am also full on crazy and capable of extreme flights of fancy. So yeah..big ol who knows at this point.

Craaaaaazy Laaaaaady!

So I'm halfway through the 2ww..doing pretty well for the most part. WAY less on the imaginary symptoms than last time. Or is the lack of symptoms a symptom? Gonna need to goo.gle that! I seem to be a bit weepy..which is a little strange. I actually got choked up in the christmas aisle at tar.get today. The trigger: a cute little owl ornament. Normally my hormones swing towards rage..like a few weeks ago when I flipped off a crying baby in red lobster. I'm not proud of it but i guess the mom didn't see so it was ok. Maybe she did but seriously her kid was kind of being an a-hole. Last month I had a pretty definate feel that it was a BFN pretty early on. This time..I really don't know. I am more hopeful, Husband is SUPER excited. I know he'll take it much harder than I will if this isn't our month. It kinda feels like it could be though. I almost don't know how to process it all, I think I'm more prepared for a negative. Its familiar territory at least. I'm going to be good and not test until the 9th though. My dr has me set up for a blood test on the 10th but its an hour drive there and I have to leave at 6 am. I figure if I test on the 9th and its negative I can save my time and gas and if it even looks like a sorta kinda line I'll go for the beta.

Also I was giving a coworker a ride yesterday and the song Siren by Tori Amos came on and I burst into tears..awkward! When I saw her in concert she played it and I SOBBED the whole time. She also struggled with miscarriages and infertility and a lot of that comes though in her songs (From the Choir Girl Hotel is about her multiple losses..and a damn good album). That song gets me every time!

Siren

and you know you’re

gonna lie to you

in your own way

know know too well

know the chill

know she breaks

my siren

NEVER was one

for a

prissy girl

coquette

call in for

an ambulance

reach high

doesn't

mean SHE’S

holy

just means

she’s got a cellular

handy

almost

brave

almost

pregnant

almost in love “VANILLA”

and you know you’re

gonna lie to you

in your own way

and you don’t need the light

to guide you though this