Tomorrow is my first ultrasound, the grand premiere of my Ladyness to a whole new audience. I don't know anyone who enjoys an afternoon of trans vaginal ultrasound goodness but I'm def in super squeamish highly modest clique. Wanna talk about super gross, ultra TMI stuff? Horrifyingly embarrassing personal stories? I'm your girl, my life is an open book! Need to get an annual Lady exam? I'm gonna need you to just go ahead and try to do that with my knees clamped together and my feet spaced just enough. You're the pro you shouldn't need to look. I barely glance when typing at work, the same thing should apply to you. Also for the love of god when I wince at the sight of the "wand" don't ask if I want to insert it myself. We may as well just make out at that point. I know I should get used to it and that if we do have a baby all kinds of people will be up in my Ladyness all the time but in the mean time I can dream of delivery by candlelight and of a Dr that examines by touch alone and never makes eye contact.
I was supposed to start on the smiley face OPKs on Tuesday but Monday I figured hey I'm peeing and the tempting sticks are right there, lets just see how it works! And hello there smiley face! So I called first thing Tuesday and they scheduled me for ANOTHER ultrasound in addition to the one already scheduled for tomorrow. Sweet lord that's a lot of leg shaving. Past the knee no less! We have a tentative date of August 4th for the IUI. Since I came in mid cycle they are just seeing how things go with my lady junk and will proceed promptly when my next period begins.
We had a good 4th at the in laws pool, cool water and steaks on the grill. I was laying out our cycle plan as far as it had been given to me by the Dr on paper and I think my MIL finally gets it. We had said from the get go..6 IUI's and we're done. Physically and emotionally that was we thought we could handle. And luck would have it..my insurance pays for 6! Well that just made us quitters in my MIL's eyes. Surely there's not much involved, just a turkey baster really! Um, no. We sorta brought that on ourselves maybe..we tried to explain things in the simplest terms in the beginning to make it not seem so big and scary and a little more relatable I guess? But after hearing about the BCPs, the letr.ozole, the trigger shot, the constant monitoring and office visits, I think she really understands. Its not just showing up at the clinic having tea and cakes with the nurses then slipping into the back room for a thawed out protein injection (that's what my husband calls it. yes, he thinks he's very funny.) then skipping off to get a pedicure. Small progress is still progress and I'll take what I can get.
And so has come the crash.
I've spent the past few days on the verge of tears, everything is off kilter, the sense of impending doom is overwhelming. I'll never get pregnant, I'm such a dumbass for even buying into it. I'm a sullen teenager posing as a 30 year old. I'll get pregnant but god knows positives don't lead to babies and surely I'd have the hardest most complicated pregnancy known to medical history. I know I'm a mess, I started seeing a counselor but it would nice to have someone who relates. I think its just the fact of knowing this will always be a part of me, it will never go away makes it so hard to believe there could be sleepless night and sore nipples and spit up in my future. I am a joyless blob at the moment. Spending last night eating my considerable weight in che.x mix and reading What to Expect When You're Expecting didn't exactly help. Well, the book is funny and I always enjoy a good light mindless read. Sigh.
I just crave, I yearn, I need. I can't explain it, its just there.
(Also, these posts are totally going to get shorter, it's been a while and its nice to actually have something to share.)
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