Some people deserve to get punched

So this chick I work with. She thinks she can say whatever she wants to people, no matter how mean or rude, because she isn't from here. Seriously, she tols another coworker she was really fat (she isn't) then laughed and said Oh I sorry, its because I'm thai! No its because you're a tactless whore. Any way- way back around Mother's Day I mentioned I was going out and she said "Why? You don't have children, you should stay home." And I let it go. I don't care for her anyways it wasn't worth it. Then Father's Day. This time it was are you going out, oh never mind you don't have kids! Thats just useless for you huh? And again, I let it go. So we're sitting around the office other day and this is the conversation that took place:

DSW*: When did you get married?
Me: 2002. In September.
DSW: Oh me too! But November. But I guess I win!
Me (kinda knowing what she means but asking anyways): What do you mean?
DSW: Well I have a baby and we all know you can't have babies.
Me: What the fuck did you just say to me?
DSW: Um, nothing?
Me: You need to clock out and go home.

Oh my I was so hot. Then like 20 minutes later she comes back in and kept trying to rub my shoulders. The nerve of some fucking people. Maybe i'm just sensitve? But there were other people in the room and they couldn't believe she would say something like that. My god, I don't blurt out about how we all know she cheats on her husband all the time and that she's ugly slut. You know, because I'm a classy fucking bitch. So I tell my boss about it, more in a can you freaking believe that way, not so much tattling. But my boss thought it merited a counseling session and a note in her file. Take that you foul uttering beast! I wins and I felt kinda ok with that. Also they are moving her to the midnight shift until she can act right and keep her effing mouth shut.

*DSW - Dick Stuffed Whore

I has a sad..

And yet again its been FOREVER. I know, I'm working on it. I have every intention of making promises I don't intend to keep.

Since its been forever lets just have a quick and dirty bullet post! Yay!

• Our orders to New Mexico got cancelled. This made me VERY happy. They got cancelled because my kidneys are way more fucked than anyone thought. Not like transplant and dialysis fucked (yet) but enough for them to have had to do another biopsy and put me on super high doses of prednisone. Result: didn't work, moving on to another medication. All it did was make me gain 40 pounds in 4 months and give me acne like it was 1999 again.
• Took my cousins to Disney World in April. It was awesome, they had NO idea they were going until we were about 2 hours from arriving. They thought we were going camping. It made me really happy that they had a good time. They are both honors students and all around good kids despite being teenagers. They had never been on vacation before or been spoiled the way they were for the week we were there. I love my Aunt, thier mom, but I hate the way she lives her life and the way her kids suffer for it. So it was nice to let them forget about thier problems, be kids and spoil the shit out of them.
• Working alot. Like A LOT. We're short 2 people, other people are deployed and the new airmen we've got don't have high enough level certification to work by themselves. This makes it suck. It means I'm there just to baby sit but I get lots of reading done.
• Bought a new car. Husband's check engine light came on so we traded it in. Thats how non handy we are. I wish I was making this up.
• We got a new pup,a doberman mix and her name be Lulu. Also known as: Lulu Beene, Lu Beenus, Lu Beenie, Beenus, Louisa Von Doberman and No Lulu goddammit what the fuck are you doing!! We had gone to a dog barkery here to get Roxie's picture taken and we saw Lulu there and just had to take her home. We loves her to bits already.
• Going to see Tori Amos in 20 days! Seriously this has been something I wanted to do for the last 10 years and the planets finally aligned in all the right ways. I'm going with my mom but I can just pretend she isn't there.

And thats pretty much it. Oh yeah the whole baby thing. I'm thinking it just isn't gonna happen. With my kidneys and all the meds I'm on theres no way this bird is going to be cleared for take off. I try so hard most days to not even think about it, somedays it works other days not so much. I'm thinking next year we might have enough money to at least get started with an agency. I'm still signing up for insurance through my job in November just in case because they cover 6 IUIs. But I'm not holding my breath. Its been almost 8 years we've been trying. True, most of them were blind, not knowing we had a real issue other than stress, time apart or minor health stuff. I'm just so fucking ready.

Letting the days go by

It seems like I don't post too much huh? I've been meaning to get my thoughts down but these past few months I've had TOO much to say and no kind of order to put them into. Here goes:

1. Husband had surgery. Sperm were found but weren't mature and the very few they found were deemed unusable. This and other factors found points to it being genetic in nature. His DNA was sent off and it will be months before we hear anything back.

2. We recieved orders to Cannon AFB in New Mexico. I'm pissed as hell about this and I'm not going quietly. The AF has cut us off at every pass it seems to diagnose and help us deal with our infertility and now they send us to a base that would make it impossible to travel to get treatments. Its like we're being punished for being uncouth infertiles. ( OK, yes that a little extreme. I'm a tad emotional these days..)

3. found out that a military base not 2 hours from here was opening their fertility program again but only for IUIs. Thats perfect, it can work! Better still: its free!!!

And thats it. Theres been a lot more over the past months but thats the quick and dirty version. I just had my HSG and am waiting to start my cycle in the next few weeks then I will start the Clo.mid and be on my way. I'm scared as fuck. I'm scared of failing, of it working, of losing a baby or having a baby. I'm also very happy, content and at peace with every choice we've made. I don't think I could ask for more than that at this point in my life. Besides waking up and being 30 pounds lighter with perky boobs.

We bring the funneh

We try to find the El Oh Els in everthing, even this bit of infertility fuckery. All of the other blogs, books, articles and so on that we have read related to azoospermia and the like just aren't us. We're highly immature to start with. We can't go to a single urology appointment where one or both of doesn't have a giggle fit because the doctor kept saying Penis. The one time he said Rectal Exam I nearly peed myself. We try to approach life in general with a healthy dose of good humour. He explained his condition to his brothers that " His man chowder was lacking in protein." In private we refer to it as his vacant downstairs apartment. Its fully furnished all the lights and utilities are on but its unoccupied. Seriously we have gotten so much milage out of this jokewise you'd never know its killing us too. But the one thing we do best ( besides funny accents*) is find the funny in the shitty stuff and just keep going.

We are waiting on a date for a testicular biopsy to see what really going on down there. We aren't being very hopeful. The only thing we're staying postive about it is that he'll come back with all the parts he went in with. Because we're going on a cruise the first week of September and he's got a speedo to fill out.


* We seriously almost didn't get married because he talked in an Irish accent for almost 3 weeks and had done it for so long he couldn't stop. It was really funny then got old when we had to meet with the pastor performing the ceremony and he was like oh wow you're from Ireland thats so cool and I had to explain that no, he just gets really commited to a joke. I tell him all the time any bump or lump is cancer and he never believes me. My Dr had to call him to get his permission to print out his lab work and I actually talked him into telling him I had cancer of the belly button (my biggest fear). It was awesome and he totally knew the guy was kidding.

I said WHAT?

One of the women I work with is pregnant and due very soon. We were talking about all things baby and how excited and nervous she is to be a first time mother. Then it happened.

Coworker: “I’ll just be glad when its all finally over and I’ll have one beautiful baby to love!”

Me: “What if you have 3 ugly babies, will that even it out?”


I swear to god I didn’t mean to say that and thankfully she has known me long enough and knows my sense of humor that she just laughed it off. Some day I swear I’m gonna grow up and start acting right.

Its been such a long time..

I haven’t been updating much; there hasn’t been much to say really. Husband came home from his deployment and we went on our trip to New Orleans . We had a good time but it was really hot. Two weeks we got our stimulus check and decided lets not do something adult like save the money for IVF let’s go to Di.sney! So we did. And it was awesome. I had never been before; it was really something to see. While we were there Husband got the call that he would be attending ALS. This was good but also presented a problem. You see we have been sharing a car for 7 years. That’s right; here in America we only have 1 car for our family! We live on base and work the same shift so really there has been no reason to get another car. We’ve been talking about it for a while but just never got around to it. So last week I did some looking online and Saturday we picked up our new Ice Blue 2008 Hyundai Accent. I love it and its mine.

So yeah for other reasons and this and that IVF and whatnot is at a stand still. A big reason is financial another is the donor. Our possible known donor still wants to do it, totally on board. We are also totally open to using an anonymous donor. Both of these situations have their pros and cons. Also we’re going to see a Dr. Friday about surgical options for Husband. It may be that he has something in there and the whole donor thing is not even an issue. We were looking at the donor angle because they initially said he was basically sterile for unknown reasons (zeros across the board on his SAs) after countless tests and even genetic testing. But we came to the conclusion that we have to do all we can, for all we known he has millions of sperm they just have no way to get out.

I think I mentioned here before that my cousin was having a baby and I was kinda ticked about it, with her being unmarried and a mess and they had picked out a dumb name for their baby. Yeah well her baby died at 31 weeks. And I feel like the biggest asshole. I know I had no way of predicting that would happen but it was a really sad situation. She was in the hospital for almost a month before Baby Girl passed and they knew she was going to it was just a matter of when. Baby Girl is her first child and while they didn’t have trouble conceiving and have been given the all clear that it wasn’t genetic, its obviously been very hard and tragic for her.

So there we are. Its been a busy month with lots of highs and lows. We’re waiting to see what the Dr on Friday says and hopefully get scheduled for surgery. With ALS it won’t be until August sometime but at least we’ll be on the path to getting some answers or at least another piece of the puzzle.

Well OK then..

When I was in high school I had the bestest Best Friend. We were both only children with dads so far off in the distance as to be be non existant. We had a lot in common and our friendship lasted from the first week of middle school until well after high school, when life and other adult things go in the way. The only thing we ever differed on was the subject of childen. I wanted tons, she loathed them. I made all my cash baby sitting, she once faked a seizure to get out of changing a diaper. So of course she's pregnant again when her first child is 6 months old. In a way I think its funny as hell because she was so adament about NEVER having kids. And of course its a little sad because I have none. Woe is me. Woe, woe, woe.