Alone again, naturally

Well he's gone. Deployment 2012 started Friday morning when I dropped him off at the DCC* about 0830. I went grocery shopping right after then went home and put some stew in the crockpot and did abou 9 loads of laundry (mostly linens). The first few days and weeks aren't that bad really, you get so used to them being at work for long hours or short training trips so you can almost convince yourself that's what is going on at first. Then you hit your groove and everything is smoothe: you work, you come home, chores, dinner, tv..it's your choice! No compromise about what to eat or watch. I once ate sushi every night for 2 weeks because when Husband's home I never get it. I can read all night long in bed without anyone bitching about the light being on at 3 am. These few weeks are actually enjoyable IF you let them be and you should! Then comes the down swing..You miss him so bad it hurts. Everything pisses you off because you have to do EVERYTHING yourself. Tantrums are frequent. Bitchiness abounds. And then one day you wake up and realize, hey he'll be home soon! Followed quickly by: I haven't done any chores beyond basic housework in weeks, I haven't shaved my legs since the night before he left and there's no food in the house since I've eaten out pretty much ever other night for the last month. Homecoming outfits must be planned and shopped for. Hair, manicure and pedicure appointments must be made. And then finally you wait in a hangar for a plane to touch down and of course your spouse will always be the last guy off the plane..and it's over! You made it, you survived another deployment. Some experiences may vary, if you sat at home the whole time crying about how bad your life is..well yeah, it will suck worse for you. nobody is having a good time but how you choose to spend your time is up to you.


So that's that. On the baby side, we finally got to hear the heartbeat! It took him forever to find it, I started to panic and get upset so when he did find it I still wasn't very calm and didn't get to bask in it like I hoped. Then it turned into a full fledged panic attack- the Dr ended up giving me a low dose xan.ax because once the panic train has pulled out of the station for me there is no stopping. Then I felt worse for being an overreacting spaz. I think it was a lot of things that had been piling up and it taking 5 minutes to find the heartbeat just did me in. But in the end all that matters is we got to hear it, it was nice and strong! Ooh..gender reveal on Feb 18!






*DCC- Deployment Control Center, where all deploying troops gather to drop their bags off, get copies of orders, get issued any extra equipment or weapons ect. Its one stop shopping for outbound troops. Spouses and such aren't allowed access to the building so there is a lot of PDA in the parking lot.

My child is already showing its ass. That is pretty much all we could get a shot off. Every time the lady would move the paddle The Dark Passenger would flip over and face the other way. Camera shy just like me! I was a bit worried when she started, I wasn't seeing any movement and the tech wasn't saying anything. I finally had to ask "Um, is it moving??" and she said "Yep". Thanks for the reassurance lady! Everything looks good, heart rate was great and they moved my due date up 3 days.

My new thing is telling my husband we're going to have a homebirth. That we're gonna move the coffee table, throw down a tarp and inflate a pool right in the living room. Order some pizzas and a pay-per-view, invite the whole family! I'm only half kidding actually..the only thing is I'm not sure I'll be able to clean my house well enough to have people over. Maybe!

Wearing the maternity pants wouldn't be so bad if I looked a wee bit pregnant. I still look like I had a big lunch. And a big breakfast. Like I stored up fat for a long winter even though I live in tropical climate. I even lost 4 pounds since this whole thing started! Which is good because you only gain 25 during pregnancy right? Cuz that's all I'm gonna gain. well, actually 29 pounds since I'm negative 4 pounds. I'm pretty sure that's how math works.

Our ultrasound got moved up a week since the rotator (the huge ass aircraft that they pile all the troops and their gear in for an 18 hour flight to their theater locations) is leaving much sooner than we thought. Fun Fact: no actual clue when it leaves we only get about 48 hours notice to his departure time but we get strong hints. Its probably the best part of being part of a special ops base and its secret squirrel tactics. So we get to on monday and see the Dark Passenger..I'm nervous. A million bad things are all I can think about, really just one bad thing. Nothing but seeing a live person bopping around in there will fix those fears. And I'm a fearful and guilt ridden wench these days. I feel like I betrayed my tribe a bit. I sort of expected these feelings but it doesn't make me feel better though or less guilty about being pregnant which is probably a stupid thing to say and it's ok if you just called me a retarded whore. I think it's the hyper awareness that not everyone gets to go on this trip and for some it doesn't end well. Just a big ball of angst over here.

A New Year, Same Old Slacking..

Believe it or not I really didn't want to be one of those people who got a BFP and was never heard from again. I blame the holidays- we've been minimally manned since Thanksgiving pretty much until next week. I've been working 12 hour shifts at least 4 days a week. It's not hard work but it is a lot of standing and at the end of the day my energy is sapped. Not to mention the whole OH MY FREAKIN LORD, I'M PREGNANT!? thing I have going on pretty much every day. I'm heading into week 12, it has been an amazingly smooth ride. I still have minor freak outs (WHAT IF THERE'S REALLY NOTHING IN THERE??)but I've managed to stay vaguely sane.

Christmas was really nice, if you gloss over the monumental all day sickness I had. But I've had a few moments of nausea since so I'm guessing it was just one final blow out. I got incredibly spoiled with a huge box of stuff from Sep.hora (so much lip gloss!), books, new jammies and gift cards. I LOVE getting gift cards! I know some people aren't fans but for me they can never be wrong. Everyone fawned over me, congratulations were abundant..it was nice, I'm not usually a fan of being in the center of attention like that but I think I earned it.

Now we're just getting ready for this deployment at the end of the month, all the packing and appointments that come with those kinds of things. We (ok, I) decided this morning we're going to take one last quick trip to Dis.ney before he goes. Just a 3 day jaunt, going at a slow pace. I'm not a fan of babies at Dis.ney so I can only assume it will be years before we get to go again but I'm ok with that.

I know, I know..I suck on an Olympic level. I have nothing but excuses and none of them are even that creative.

Things are good with Our Person, the night sickness turned to all day sickness and that's just been swell. It isn't so much vomiting as it is all consuming nausea. I've actually lost 4 pounds over the last 2 weeks but Dr Fox (not his real name, he's just a hot piece- I didn't mind him checking under my hood at all.) isn't concerned and I read its not unusual in the first trimester. My first OB appointment was pretty tame, just medical history and a quick cervix check. I did get this huge tote bag of swag that I had to lug around for 2 hours while I waited at the lab to give blood. next appointment is in 2 weeks which should be just shy of 12 weeks- hopefully we can hear the heartbeat since Husband is heading to the desert not long after that. Oh yeah and there is a good chance he won't be back before Our Person gets here. Not like we've waited 10 years for this or anything. Husband was deployed for the last 2 Christmas' so I've been trying really hard to make this year The Best Christmas Ever! I've got jolly coming out of ass I'm trying so hard. We splurged on each other this year, we usually don't get each other much since we buy things we want through the year. I got Husband a kin.ect and a Kin.dle (the cheapest one since he's taking it to the desert) and lots of geeky tshirts. I made a huge wishlist at Seph.ora so I'm excited to see what I actually got.

I did get a nice surprise from Husband who isn't exactly known for spontaneous gestures- he got me a silver baby carriage charm from brigh.ton for my charm bracelet. I've been eyeing it for years since I started collecting charms but never had a reason to buy it. It was really sweet and he was so proud of himself!

Things overall are good. I still wake up every morning in complete disbelief that I'm pregnant. It seems so real and tangible but at the same time so unreal. I'm am genuinely giddy most days- I really thought I'd be miserable with worry but I'm really in love with this whole process. I did have a full fledged freak out not long ago..OMG WTF am I going to do with a BABY?? You think I would have thought that through by now. I'm just gonna blame hormones. And a lack of coffee.

I am officially growing a person!

We had out first ultrasound yesterday, The Dark Passenger is clocking in right on target at 6w4d. We could see the heart beating right away which was of course a beautiful sight to see. I knew I was a bit nervous about maybe not seeing something good but I guess I didn't realize how heavy that weight was until it was gone. We are now released to a regular OB just like regular people!

Not much is going on, I've pretty much been hibernating in preparation for yesterday- google is not really a pregnant girls friend. Still knocking on wood, no morning sickness. I'm a zombie by 6pm and my boobs are like fluffy painful rocks. No weight gained yet but when I changed after work today my jeans were fitting a little closer to the waist. I'm not complaining- I've earned my bump!

I did read a great book Do Chocolate Lovers Have Sweeter Babies? By Jena Pincott, its about all the changes that take place during pregnancy and the scientific and evolutionary causes behind them. The author was pregnant with her first baby while writing it so she was able to relate to the research and it really shows. It's sciencey but was a really neat read.

ZZZzzzzzZZZZ

I'm pretty sure that even as I type this I'm asleep. I am SO tired. Exhausted doesn't even begin to cover this level of sleepiness. I managed to stay up until 9:45 last night like a boss and it was a struggle. My bewb expansion continues although my waist hasn't grown at all. I know its a bit early yet for any showing but I've always been very afraid that my weight would spiral out of control from the moment of conception. It helps that it's really hard for me to eat past 6pm..I'm just not hungry and everything sounds unappetizing. I make myself eat but try to stick to high protein small meals. I stomach even turned down doritos last night and it LOVES doritos. And the gas? If you could slap a propeller on my ass we could all go to the Fl Keys for cheap! Symptoms remain strong, anxiety is oddly low. I knew I'd be thrilled to bits to be pregnant but its more like an all consuming happiness. I am happy. Even if this doesn't end in a screaming goo covered baby 8 months from now, I think I'll always remember this feeling in the most positive way.

For now Lulu, our big dog is in no danger of doggie death row. I called and spoke with the head of animal control and explained that I'm newly pregnant and she's very protective of me even before that. The lady was very understanding and willing to listen but was very firm in that if it happens again she WILL be labeled dangerous and removed from the home. Which I understand and logically if she ever showed aggression to my uterus nugget I'd take her to the pound myself. But she's still my puppy girl, the skin and bones dog we rescued from being put down because she had been at the shelter for 90 days and they were over crowded. She's the pup who kept me sane during this last deployment when I'd had major surgery and had no energy except to lay on the couch and rub her ears. It kills me to think that our failing her somewhere in her training will cause her death. I fully admit to being an all out crazy animal person who believes that animals are better than most of the humans I know. And I love mine to pieces.