I am not here because I am reading Then Came You by Jen.ifer We.iner. I love all her books, Good In Bed is one of my all time favorites. Then Came You involves donors, surrogates and nontraditional families. I'm devouring it only taking breaks to cry and pee (I'm a tea drinker on a gallon scale).

I still think everyday the clinic will call and apologize for the hold up. BUT that nasty skank at work? Totally quitting! Turns out her baby daddy dropped her already and she can't handle our shifts (we're a 24 hour operation on a military base and required to be available for all shifts), she's been back from maternity leave for a week and already called out twice for lack of childcare. Um, hello even I know you kinda had like 8 months to get that figured out. I am an angry miserable bitch this week. Luckily I am surrounded by friends and coworkers who know whats going on and are willing to ignore me or apply coffee as needed. We are having a going away party for my work bestie tomorrow since her family is pscing to the great midwest so I'm hoping thats what is causing my overall weepiness and malaise.

Side note: Also it seems I'm not smart and can't figure out how to post a comment without it being anonymous. I'm a real person dammit! I want to comment but don't want to come off as stalkerish and weird- much like my real life I fear.

Oh muh furking gah. I want to murder someone with murder. I am so upset I ate a loaf of bread AND had a coke. I haven't had soda in 4 years. No really. Weight loss surgery patients shouldn't have it and its one of the "rules" that I've proudly stuck to.

Soo..I went to my appointment yesterday for the baseline ultrasound. Everything looks good, we go to the front to get our next instructions. Where the lady tells us ok then, call us in September! Um, what? No, our plan was to do the IUI like next week. I have that on paper! The RE is going to a conference..I get that I totally do. Also would have been super fucking cool if I had been told this the other 5 times I've been there in the last month. So yeah. September. I just had this tiny small hope I'd be pregnant by my birthday which is the second week of September. I won't.

I don't care if you have to make my casket 6 inch longer. I *will* be buried in these shoes. I love them so much, they make me feel good just wearing them to the grocery store. I'm a bit tall in them as I am already 5'9 barefoot. I <3 these shoes! I think they will be worn tonight to work since I need a pick me up.

Well, AF showed up today..4 freakin days early. I'm normally so regular you can set your watch by my cycle, so this bums out just a bit. I think the abnormal amount of stress I've been under at work is throwing everthing out of whack. I've also been having to work the midnight shift since the girl who was supposed to just quit out of the blue. I think I'm too old to do that, it takes me DAYS to get my body back in sync after 1 mid, a week worth just messes me all up.

So Wednesday- baseline ultrasound and bloodwork, then we'll go from there depending on what all that says. I'm excited in an oh-my-god-I'm-gonna-barf kind of way.

All new low!

I cried in the baby section of Tar.get today. Not like single tear from the please don't litter indian but full on crying game shower sobbing. Right in front of the breast pumps. I wasn't even over there a specific reason, just wanted to "look".

Sigh.

They need a sibling. They may tell you they only want extra bacon but trust me the last thing they need is to be a little more spoiled. See the one on the right? She doesn't even know she's a dog. In her defense it might be my fault since we still haven't told her she's adopted. I feel at 8 years old she is still my little puppypants butterbutt and these things cannot be rushed.

So squwisshy!

20 Things I believe in:
1.The right to be heard
2.That being a good friend just isn't enough, you have to HAVE good friends too
3.Being on time is never a bad thing
4.IF wearing all black all the time makes you feel skinny and happy by all means, rock on
5.If you can't learn to park it, don't drive it.
6.After a certain age we all need to wear shirts with sleeves
7.Red lipstick is always appropriate
8.High school was in no way practice for real life by a longshot
9.Star.bucks can make any day better
10.Don't hide. Someone else might be struggling with the exact same issue and may need to hear that it WILL be ok
11.Never underestimate the power of 1000 count sheets
12.Dis.ney is no place for children
13.After 8 pm I should be able to go to dinner or a movie without having to listen to a screaming child
14.Hating people based on race, gender or sexual preference makes you a bad person
15.On my birthday I get to be as lazy, assholeish and cranky as I want
16.There is no point in ruining a dinner out bitching about the service, get over it and enjoy your meal
17.Its not ok to not know how to prepare and cook even 1 meal, even if its just grilled cheese and fishsticks cook the shit out of it
18.You don't have to forgive everyone but its good to know when to at least move on
19.Always keep around at least 1 picture of yourself that you love, if they have to put your picture on the news at least it'll be a good one
20.Happiness really is a warm, well fed and snoring puppy

Keep in touch!

Have I ever said this to you? Then you already know. You will probably never hear from me again.

I seriously don't fall off the friendship wagon on purpose. Its partly I'm not very sentimental by nature, also I don't feel my life is so awesome that I feel the need to pick up a phone and call across three timezones to tell someone I accidently went to star.bucks twice in one day. Which I totally did one time. Didn't even realise it until the guy at the counter said something. Figures my internal autopilot is set for the Buck.

Since graduting high school I keep in touch with exactly one person. And by keep in touch I mean he sent me a text and I replied. I think the last time we talked was May 2009. We're super close besties! I have also considered the fact that I am not a friendly person. If I walk into a room and people notice me, its probably due to a wardrobe malfunction and I've got a nipple hanging out. Funny story: Thats totally how I met Steve. Ok not really, we met on the internet but thats not funny at all.

Being a military spouse there are tons of cool people I've met of the years. All the ones that weren't swingers I've enjoyed meeting and I'd love to continue being friends with. Just don't move out of my zip code. Seriously.

Um.

Another ultrasound, another monday. Both sucked.

I have the key to a successful dildocam ultrasound..thigh high socks! Pull those bad boys up and the feeling of total full on nudity lessens. Still not the same as wearing pants but I can work with it. And those follicles I had on Friday that were on track to ovulate over the weekend? Still right they were, just pleased as punch with themselves. Oh my fucking sigh. I don't know what it means or if its even that big of deal in the long run with all the meds they'll be throwing at me. One of my husbands coworkers is a fellow infertile and she was able to talk me down with at least my lining and blood work is good and hey! I had follicles! (unlike her, she's on her own process of IVF/DE). So yeah. All day pity party for one ensued, since my appt was at 8 am. Add on crappy busy work day full of whining and moaning. Monday's are our busiest and worst day of the week, taking care of all the issues that happened over the weekend. With an extra helping of employee drama, I'm just ready for bed. Our yard guy has been blowing us off for a week and I came home to a violation note from the city. Seriously the grass is barely an inch, someone just felt like passing on thier Monday assholeness. Mission accomplished. Everyone can suck it though, cuz I'm calling in sick tomorrow to lay in bed and read the new Game Of Thrones book with a bag of dor.itos by my side. I blame society.

Nyah.

I'm in love! With the ultrasound tech no less! It was quick and painless, I'm not even sure she more than glanced at my Ladyness and didn't spend any extra time poking around. She explained everything as she went and pointed everything out. The follicle on my right is at 21 and had 5 that were less than 10. Lining looks great, basically everything is right on track. My left ovary was a bit shy but they good news is not a single cyst in sight! The last time we got this close that shut the whole thing down so I'm feeling a bit more peppy but I still made an appointment with the counselor next week.

I have realized that if I do get pregnant, I'm going to have to quit my job. Not to be a stay at home home, I just can't work THERE. Its too high stress, high drama and too much overtime. 6 months ago I wouldn't even entertain the thought but a lot of changes have been happening and none of them are good. Morale is VERY low and the stress rises every day. Combined with the already high protein in my urine and elevated BP I've always known any pregnancy would mostly take place on bed rest. I like my job and the work I do but I think I'm ready to move on..not sure about being a SAHM because I like money and I'm not exactly what you'd call frugal. I'm trying really really hard but I'm not sure we can ever fully go down to one income. Unless I sell off my shoes.

And so it begins..kinda

Tomorrow is my first ultrasound, the grand premiere of my Ladyness to a whole new audience. I don't know anyone who enjoys an afternoon of trans vaginal ultrasound goodness but I'm def in super squeamish highly modest clique. Wanna talk about super gross, ultra TMI stuff? Horrifyingly embarrassing personal stories? I'm your girl, my life is an open book! Need to get an annual Lady exam? I'm gonna need you to just go ahead and try to do that with my knees clamped together and my feet spaced just enough. You're the pro you shouldn't need to look. I barely glance when typing at work, the same thing should apply to you. Also for the love of god when I wince at the sight of the "wand" don't ask if I want to insert it myself. We may as well just make out at that point. I know I should get used to it and that if we do have a baby all kinds of people will be up in my Ladyness all the time but in the mean time I can dream of delivery by candlelight and of a Dr that examines by touch alone and never makes eye contact.

I was supposed to start on the smiley face OPKs on Tuesday but Monday I figured hey I'm peeing and the tempting sticks are right there, lets just see how it works! And hello there smiley face! So I called first thing Tuesday and they scheduled me for ANOTHER ultrasound in addition to the one already scheduled for tomorrow. Sweet lord that's a lot of leg shaving. Past the knee no less! We have a tentative date of August 4th for the IUI. Since I came in mid cycle they are just seeing how things go with my lady junk and will proceed promptly when my next period begins.

We had a good 4th at the in laws pool, cool water and steaks on the grill. I was laying out our cycle plan as far as it had been given to me by the Dr on paper and I think my MIL finally gets it. We had said from the get go..6 IUI's and we're done. Physically and emotionally that was we thought we could handle. And luck would have it..my insurance pays for 6! Well that just made us quitters in my MIL's eyes. Surely there's not much involved, just a turkey baster really! Um, no. We sorta brought that on ourselves maybe..we tried to explain things in the simplest terms in the beginning to make it not seem so big and scary and a little more relatable I guess? But after hearing about the BCPs, the letr.ozole, the trigger shot, the constant monitoring and office visits, I think she really understands. Its not just showing up at the clinic having tea and cakes with the nurses then slipping into the back room for a thawed out protein injection (that's what my husband calls it. yes, he thinks he's very funny.) then skipping off to get a pedicure. Small progress is still progress and I'll take what I can get.

And so has come the crash.

I've spent the past few days on the verge of tears, everything is off kilter, the sense of impending doom is overwhelming. I'll never get pregnant, I'm such a dumbass for even buying into it. I'm a sullen teenager posing as a 30 year old. I'll get pregnant but god knows positives don't lead to babies and surely I'd have the hardest most complicated pregnancy known to medical history. I know I'm a mess, I started seeing a counselor but it would nice to have someone who relates. I think its just the fact of knowing this will always be a part of me, it will never go away makes it so hard to believe there could be sleepless night and sore nipples and spit up in my future. I am a joyless blob at the moment. Spending last night eating my considerable weight in che.x mix and reading What to Expect When You're Expecting didn't exactly help. Well, the book is funny and I always enjoy a good light mindless read. Sigh.

I just crave, I yearn, I need. I can't explain it, its just there.

(Also, these posts are totally going to get shorter, it's been a while and its nice to actually have something to share.)

Srsly?

Oh my sweet baby Jesus in a bouncy house. We are launching!

We had our appt with the RE who we was in 2008 today. We had a less than shiny opinion of him from the last visit as he kept trying to push us towards IVF and seemed sort of disdainful of our choice to use DI. We went in totally expecting to defend every choice, armed with an argument for every angle. We get in sit down and he was like bam- start with the ovulation sticks on monday and we'll go from there..he laid out the whole cyle in dates and steps basically ending with a pregnancy test on or about August 10. I thought we would have wait and jump through hoops maybe even juggle some puppies but since I just had AF last week we're ready to roll! He gave me Let.rozole which was mildly unexpected- I guess I just assumed it would be Clo.mid, no real reason other than brand recognition. I go next week for blood work and an orientation of sorts..I also forgot to ask any questions.

I'm a bit in shock still..I just expected to have to wait another month or so. I'm trying not to be so excited but I really am. When I was going to the clinic on the AFB I just knew it wasn't going to work, I didn't know why or how but I just had this deep down feeling that it wasn't going to work. And sure as hell, big cyst cancelled the 1st cycle and Christmas the 2nd ( because military bases don't work pretty much the week before or after Christmas..pretty much only the ER is open and you pretty much need to be dead to be seen.) But this whole week I've just felt peace. This weird blissed out feeling with a chaser of feeling pretty OK. Kinda odd considering I'm off my meds for this whole thing and I've been one miserable, tense bitchface.

Now I know the odds and the statistics and yes people DO actually get pregnant on the 1st try and have actual babies!! Really I'm more pumped about being believed in and given a chance to get off the bench and into the game than anything else. I almost can't even think about actually being pregnant. The idea is so foreign and exotic! We are both on such a high today, this level of optimism has not been seen at our house in a really long time. My husband was in such a good mood he didn't even blink when I bought a $24 tube of conditioner at the mall after our appt. Also the best part? The RE's office is next to a mall containing my favorite place in the word...Maca.roni Gri.ll! So every time we go to the Dr, I get to faceplant in a plate of bruschetta. Its a win-win I feel.

Also, the Letr.ozole only cost me $3. Thanks tri.care!