Of course I'm expecting. I'm expecting to get knocked up any time now.

2012-03-08T18:02:00.002-06:00

In 2008 my cousin lost her daughter at 26 weeks. She had really high blood pressure from the start of her pregnancy and they think that led to the umbilical cord being small. At one point she actually had reverse flow in the umbilical cord, at which time they decided to go ahead and do a c-section but the baby passed away before they could get her to a hospital that had a nicu (they live in a very rural area about 3 hours from a nicu equipped hospital). When she became pregnant again they were prepared. Her and the baby's father moved closer to the hospital. She had monitoring and ultrasounds every week with progesterone injections. Last Wednesday was 26 weeks. It was a hard and scary day for her which I fully understand. On Friday they admitted her because the baby was too small and began monitoring the umbilical cord. On Sunday the cord was showing signs of reverse flow. Baby B was born Sunday night at 26 weeks 4 days at 1 lbs 12 ozs. He was taken straight to the nicu and placed on a vent. Monday morning he was taken off the vent and has been breathing on his own ever since! He still has many weeks to go since the earliest he can go home is June 5th, his due date. My cousin is doing well, relieved that her son is doing good but hating that he has to stay and feels guilty about him being a preemie, which I guess I can understand. If anything happened to my girl I'd feel it was my fault no matter what happened. For now our little puffer is doing good and hopefully he'll behave and get to go home in June!

Baby B, a few hours old

2012-02-26T19:23:00.002-06:00

I don't like to think myself as being lazy and not posting I prefer to call it taking a pregnant pause. Things are surprisingly awesome. I've been having the lowest blood pressure I've had since pretty much ever. Energy level is good but the willingness to actually do stuff is another story. Now the random projectile vomiting, that I can do without. A few weeks ago I went to a friends Airman Leadership School graduation. Its a semi formal dinner and a pretty big deal. I looked really nice I thought and dinner went smooth. Halfway through the ceremony I had to make a dash for the door and only narrowly missed barfing on my commander. As if he didn't already think everyone in my duty section is a complete moron.

This whole having a baby thing is starting to get pretty real. There hasn't been any one thing that made me really realize it, a lot of small things have been building up to the total point. We keep the doors to the spare bedrooms shut just to keep the dogs out but behind one of those doors is a baby's room! There is a crib, a dresser/changer, a fancy stroller and loads of frilly clothes. Sometimes I go sit in there in the glider and stare at everything. I think I'm still in a state of shock sometimes. I can't quite wrap my mind around it all sometimes. I'm so happy we're having a girl. Of course we'd be thrilled either way but we both really wanted a girl. And my goodness but she already has her Daddy completely under her thumb. He feels I'm actually not shopping for her enough, his daughter must not lack anything! We should probably start a prom dress fund, I can't even think about what Daddy will pay for a wedding dress!

I've been feeling kicks and pokes for a bit now but within the last week they have gotten a lot stronger and noticeable. My first poke I got while driving and "singing" along with the radio. Either she really loves Styx (who doesn't?) or she doesn't like my singing (who does?). On the OB side, my blood pressure has never been lower! It was 112/80 on my last visit which just blows my mind. Even after I lost 100 pounds it wan't that good! And speaking of weight, at almost 20 weeks I've gained...nothing. The Doctor seems ok with it and to be honest I'm a pretty big girl so I'm on the right path to keeping the weight gain to a reasonable amount.

And in reward for hanging in this long:

Cute right?

We have a gender!

2012-02-10T18:39:00.002-06:00

Our baby is very much a girl!

We had planned to go next weekend to an ultrasound place here in town but I ended up having to work that day so the very nice woman was able to squeeze us in today. I took my Mom, MIL and my Grandma. Baby was not having anything to do with being looked at and it took a lot of poking and rubbing to get her to uncurl. Right then Husband called and was on speaker phone when she saw the bits and said "It's a girl!" Our moms both cried, his mom only had boys so she's been waiting for a while. I gotta say- I wasn't a bit surprised. I've just had a feeling for a while that it was girl. I've been dreaming about her for months. After we left my mom and I went straight to the mall and got the cutest outfits, I've been dying to but something but gender neutral stuff just doesn't seem to exist.

I can't wait to meet Amelia Maeve in July!

Alone again, naturally

2012-01-29T10:12:00.002-06:00

Well he's gone. Deployment 2012 started Friday morning when I dropped him off at the DCC* about 0830. I went grocery shopping right after then went home and put some stew in the crockpot and did abou 9 loads of laundry (mostly linens). The first few days and weeks aren't that bad really, you get so used to them being at work for long hours or short training trips so you can almost convince yourself that's what is going on at first. Then you hit your groove and everything is smoothe: you work, you come home, chores, dinner, tv..it's your choice! No compromise about what to eat or watch. I once ate sushi every night for 2 weeks because when Husband's home I never get it. I can read all night long in bed without anyone bitching about the light being on at 3 am. These few weeks are actually enjoyable IF you let them be and you should! Then comes the down swing..You miss him so bad it hurts. Everything pisses you off because you have to do EVERYTHING yourself. Tantrums are frequent. Bitchiness abounds. And then one day you wake up and realize, hey he'll be home soon! Followed quickly by: I haven't done any chores beyond basic housework in weeks, I haven't shaved my legs since the night before he left and there's no food in the house since I've eaten out pretty much ever other night for the last month. Homecoming outfits must be planned and shopped for. Hair, manicure and pedicure appointments must be made. And then finally you wait in a hangar for a plane to touch down and of course your spouse will always be the last guy off the plane..and it's over! You made it, you survived another deployment. Some experiences may vary, if you sat at home the whole time crying about how bad your life is..well yeah, it will suck worse for you. nobody is having a good time but how you choose to spend your time is up to you.

So that's that. On the baby side, we finally got to hear the heartbeat! It took him forever to find it, I started to panic and get upset so when he did find it I still wasn't very calm and didn't get to bask in it like I hoped. Then it turned into a full fledged panic attack- the Dr ended up giving me a low dose xan.ax because once the panic train has pulled out of the station for me there is no stopping. Then I felt worse for being an overreacting spaz. I think it was a lot of things that had been piling up and it taking 5 minutes to find the heartbeat just did me in. But in the end all that matters is we got to hear it, it was nice and strong! Ooh..gender reveal on Feb 18!

*DCC- Deployment Control Center, where all deploying troops gather to drop their bags off, get copies of orders, get issued any extra equipment or weapons ect. Its one stop shopping for outbound troops. Spouses and such aren't allowed access to the building so there is a lot of PDA in the parking lot.

2012-01-17T17:42:00.002-06:00

My child is already showing its ass. That is pretty much all we could get a shot off. Every time the lady would move the paddle The Dark Passenger would flip over and face the other way. Camera shy just like me! I was a bit worried when she started, I wasn't seeing any movement and the tech wasn't saying anything. I finally had to ask "Um, is it moving??" and she said "Yep". Thanks for the reassurance lady! Everything looks good, heart rate was great and they moved my due date up 3 days.

My new thing is telling my husband we're going to have a homebirth. That we're gonna move the coffee table, throw down a tarp and inflate a pool right in the living room. Order some pizzas and a pay-per-view, invite the whole family! I'm only half kidding actually..the only thing is I'm not sure I'll be able to clean my house well enough to have people over. Maybe!

2012-01-12T17:17:00.003-06:00

Wearing the maternity pants wouldn't be so bad if I looked a wee bit pregnant. I still look like I had a big lunch. And a big breakfast. Like I stored up fat for a long winter even though I live in tropical climate. I even lost 4 pounds since this whole thing started! Which is good because you only gain 25 during pregnancy right? Cuz that's all I'm gonna gain. well, actually 29 pounds since I'm negative 4 pounds. I'm pretty sure that's how math works.

Our ultrasound got moved up a week since the rotator (the huge ass aircraft that they pile all the troops and their gear in for an 18 hour flight to their theater locations) is leaving much sooner than we thought. Fun Fact: no actual clue when it leaves we only get about 48 hours notice to his departure time but we get strong hints. Its probably the best part of being part of a special ops base and its secret squirrel tactics. So we get to on monday and see the Dark Passenger..I'm nervous. A million bad things are all I can think about, really just one bad thing. Nothing but seeing a live person bopping around in there will fix those fears. And I'm a fearful and guilt ridden wench these days. I feel like I betrayed my tribe a bit. I sort of expected these feelings but it doesn't make me feel better though or less guilty about being pregnant which is probably a stupid thing to say and it's ok if you just called me a retarded whore. I think it's the hyper awareness that not everyone gets to go on this trip and for some it doesn't end well. Just a big ball of angst over here.

A New Year, Same Old Slacking..

2012-01-01T11:26:00.002-06:00

Believe it or not I really didn't want to be one of those people who got a BFP and was never heard from again. I blame the holidays- we've been minimally manned since Thanksgiving pretty much until next week. I've been working 12 hour shifts at least 4 days a week. It's not hard work but it is a lot of standing and at the end of the day my energy is sapped. Not to mention the whole OH MY FREAKIN LORD, I'M PREGNANT!? thing I have going on pretty much every day. I'm heading into week 12, it has been an amazingly smooth ride. I still have minor freak outs (WHAT IF THERE'S REALLY NOTHING IN THERE??)but I've managed to stay vaguely sane.

Christmas was really nice, if you gloss over the monumental all day sickness I had. But I've had a few moments of nausea since so I'm guessing it was just one final blow out. I got incredibly spoiled with a huge box of stuff from Sep.hora (so much lip gloss!), books, new jammies and gift cards. I LOVE getting gift cards! I know some people aren't fans but for me they can never be wrong. Everyone fawned over me, congratulations were abundant..it was nice, I'm not usually a fan of being in the center of attention like that but I think I earned it.

Now we're just getting ready for this deployment at the end of the month, all the packing and appointments that come with those kinds of things. We (ok, I) decided this morning we're going to take one last quick trip to Dis.ney before he goes. Just a 3 day jaunt, going at a slow pace. I'm not a fan of babies at Dis.ney so I can only assume it will be years before we get to go again but I'm ok with that.

2011-12-20T13:50:00.002-06:00

I know, I know..I suck on an Olympic level. I have nothing but excuses and none of them are even that creative.

Things are good with Our Person, the night sickness turned to all day sickness and that's just been swell. It isn't so much vomiting as it is all consuming nausea. I've actually lost 4 pounds over the last 2 weeks but Dr Fox (not his real name, he's just a hot piece- I didn't mind him checking under my hood at all.) isn't concerned and I read its not unusual in the first trimester. My first OB appointment was pretty tame, just medical history and a quick cervix check. I did get this huge tote bag of swag that I had to lug around for 2 hours while I waited at the lab to give blood. next appointment is in 2 weeks which should be just shy of 12 weeks- hopefully we can hear the heartbeat since Husband is heading to the desert not long after that. Oh yeah and there is a good chance he won't be back before Our Person gets here. Not like we've waited 10 years for this or anything. Husband was deployed for the last 2 Christmas' so I've been trying really hard to make this year The Best Christmas Ever! I've got jolly coming out of ass I'm trying so hard. We splurged on each other this year, we usually don't get each other much since we buy things we want through the year. I got Husband a kin.ect and a Kin.dle (the cheapest one since he's taking it to the desert) and lots of geeky tshirts. I made a huge wishlist at Seph.ora so I'm excited to see what I actually got.

I did get a nice surprise from Husband who isn't exactly known for spontaneous gestures- he got me a silver baby carriage charm from brigh.ton for my charm bracelet. I've been eyeing it for years since I started collecting charms but never had a reason to buy it. It was really sweet and he was so proud of himself!

Things overall are good. I still wake up every morning in complete disbelief that I'm pregnant. It seems so real and tangible but at the same time so unreal. I'm am genuinely giddy most days- I really thought I'd be miserable with worry but I'm really in love with this whole process. I did have a full fledged freak out not long ago..OMG WTF am I going to do with a BABY?? You think I would have thought that through by now. I'm just gonna blame hormones. And a lack of coffee.

2011-11-29T15:47:00.002-06:00

I am officially growing a person!

We had out first ultrasound yesterday, The Dark Passenger is clocking in right on target at 6w4d. We could see the heart beating right away which was of course a beautiful sight to see. I knew I was a bit nervous about maybe not seeing something good but I guess I didn't realize how heavy that weight was until it was gone. We are now released to a regular OB just like regular people!

Not much is going on, I've pretty much been hibernating in preparation for yesterday- google is not really a pregnant girls friend. Still knocking on wood, no morning sickness. I'm a zombie by 6pm and my boobs are like fluffy painful rocks. No weight gained yet but when I changed after work today my jeans were fitting a little closer to the waist. I'm not complaining- I've earned my bump!

I did read a great book Do Chocolate Lovers Have Sweeter Babies? By Jena Pincott, its about all the changes that take place during pregnancy and the scientific and evolutionary causes behind them. The author was pregnant with her first baby while writing it so she was able to relate to the research and it really shows. It's sciencey but was a really neat read.

ZZZzzzzzZZZZ

2011-11-18T18:48:00.002-06:00

I'm pretty sure that even as I type this I'm asleep. I am SO tired. Exhausted doesn't even begin to cover this level of sleepiness. I managed to stay up until 9:45 last night like a boss and it was a struggle. My bewb expansion continues although my waist hasn't grown at all. I know its a bit early yet for any showing but I've always been very afraid that my weight would spiral out of control from the moment of conception. It helps that it's really hard for me to eat past 6pm..I'm just not hungry and everything sounds unappetizing. I make myself eat but try to stick to high protein small meals. I stomach even turned down doritos last night and it LOVES doritos. And the gas? If you could slap a propeller on my ass we could all go to the Fl Keys for cheap! Symptoms remain strong, anxiety is oddly low. I knew I'd be thrilled to bits to be pregnant but its more like an all consuming happiness. I am happy. Even if this doesn't end in a screaming goo covered baby 8 months from now, I think I'll always remember this feeling in the most positive way.

For now Lulu, our big dog is in no danger of doggie death row. I called and spoke with the head of animal control and explained that I'm newly pregnant and she's very protective of me even before that. The lady was very understanding and willing to listen but was very firm in that if it happens again she WILL be labeled dangerous and removed from the home. Which I understand and logically if she ever showed aggression to my uterus nugget I'd take her to the pound myself. But she's still my puppy girl, the skin and bones dog we rescued from being put down because she had been at the shelter for 90 days and they were over crowded. She's the pup who kept me sane during this last deployment when I'd had major surgery and had no energy except to lay on the couch and rub her ears. It kills me to think that our failing her somewhere in her training will cause her death. I fully admit to being an all out crazy animal person who believes that animals are better than most of the humans I know. And I love mine to pieces.

Beta #2

2011-11-15T15:04:00.003-06:00

76 to 799..not too shabby! Maybe this baby just takes after me..I'm a slow starter but once I'm up wearing pants I'm going a mile a minute. The ultrasound will be after thanksgiving, they'll call with a date next week.

Sweet bobble head dashboard baby jesus this is getting more real by the day! I did fess up to my boss today, we work in a small office with 2 desks that face each other so it would be hard to hide, plus she has to know about all the appointments. And admittedly I just wanted to say it out loud. She's genuinely happy for me, it's been no secret that this is something we've been working towards for a while.

So now I can relax (HAH!) next hurdle: ultrasound!

2011-11-13T16:35:00.002-06:00

Stupid long weekend. The RE's office was closed on friday when I should have gotten my second beta so I have to wait until monday. I. AM. DYING. All I can obsess about is every bad outcome possible. Convinced my beta isn't rising appropriately. We told our parents and warned them to keep their mouths shut..and they told EVERYONE. So now if we have a bad outcome its just more people to tell. I am actually doing well with optimism which not my default setting. I bought a pregnancy book for my husband and even joined baby.center! Which just confirmed that I am deeply scarred by this whole and pretty much cannot interact with regular fertiles. Dear lord especially other military wives- the ones whose only occupation is pumping out baby after baby. I've always referred to my military i.d. as a breeder's club card. I hope there isn't a complicated handshake to learn.

Also I'm pretty sure my boobs weren't this big last week. I'm a DD anyhow, I had sorta hoped any breast expansion would be minimal and spread out over the 9 months. Even my MIL noticed I was sporting some deeper cleavage. I am now waking up twice a night to pee which again I expected the peeing to start a little later. Still no morning sickness but some episodes of queasiness in the evening.

My dogs have been more clingy than usual..I was laying in bed with our bigger dog and the littler one jumped on the bed, the big dog jumped on her and bit her leg open. The little dog needed 10 stitches and a cone of shame. I just don't know what to do about it. It was So out of character for the big dog who is submissive to the little one (who is older and maybe littler by a 2 inches and 5 pounds) but the vet had to report it to the county because of the severity of the bite and they might label her dangerous and remove her from the home. That means she'll be put to sleep. I am so upset about it.. she is a great dog and I think she was startled and just being protective of me. We signed a contract with the adoption place we got her from saying we would have to return her there is we were giving her up but they are a kill shelter and will surely put her down. We have a trainer coming this week, a former coworker of mine, to see if any behavior modification will help. So much for a stress free week!

2011-11-09T13:30:00.003-06:00

Thank you everyone so much for kind words and well wishes, I greatly appreciate each and every one of you!

The whole drive to the RE's office I just KNEW. I knew the beta would be positive, I'm fully with child, life is yay!

The whole drive home I knew it would be negative, I read the tests wrong. I'd have to tell my mom I'm a dumbass who can't read a simple pregnancy test that any highschooler can operate.

They said they would call at lunch. WTF time does these people go to lunch?? When the phone rang I almost threw up on it.

"Congratulations , you're pregnant!", I almost fainted. Because of course I can't just be happy for me I felt I could have done better on the numbers. Like studied harder or something. Beta #1 was 76 at 13dpo. I am beyond thrilled, Husband is bouncing off walls. No matter what happens, today I am pregnant!

And it really explains the things I've been brushing off all week:

- The extreme tiredness that has put me in bed by 8 pm every night this week

- The ability to smell anything, EVERYWHERE

- Much gagging caused by smells, and a nagging queasiness that starts about 6 pm

- No aching boobs but they do feel heavier

Hmm..

2011-11-07T17:05:00.002-06:00

2 lines again this morning..darker than yesterdays. I think this is turning into a real thing. I'm excited but cautious. I did text the picture (super blurry) to my mom with the warning to keep her mouth shut and not to breathe a word or even think about it very hard. Its very strange..I almost feel like this happened so casually. I'm going out of my mind waiting until Wednesday. The 2ww has nothing on this.

Day 10

2011-11-06T11:48:00.002-06:00

So with 4 days left until beta day..I've been doing pretty good. Things are..odd but generally explainable. I have been experiencing frequent urination BUT I am a tea drinker. I take a glass with me to work so its a set amount not a constant stream all day. And I've been peeing about every 1.5 hours instead of like the 2 times usually at work (I avoid our nasty office bathroom as much as possible) My coworker yesterday even asked outright if I had something to share since everyone has noticed how much I've been going to the bathroom. Some twinges and pullings going on every so often in the downstairs but again that could be all the pickled jalapenos I've been eating. One thing that does stand out: My boobs do NOT hurt. When I'm about to start my period my boobs hurt with the fury of a thousand bee stings for a good week before I start. Still nothin. Then I did something I shouldn't have done: I POAS. I KNOW. And there was kind of a second line. That was yesterday evening ( ok..and the evening before.) And they both had a faint but definite line. This morning..no line (I did test yesterday morning and also got nothing but got a line later in the day.) So I think it could be a few things. 1- Trigger wasn't totally out even though at 5 days I started getting BFNs and assumed it was 2- Not enough pee in the a.m. from getting up in the night 3- I'm just a psycho who needs to not order pee sticks in bulk off ama.zon available for repeated testing anytime of day. I did show Husband the 2 with the lines just to make sure they were actually there. He is excited but aware that I am also full on crazy and capable of extreme flights of fancy. So yeah..big ol who knows at this point.

Craaaaaazy Laaaaaady!

2011-11-03T18:02:00.003-05:00

So I'm halfway through the 2ww..doing pretty well for the most part. WAY less on the imaginary symptoms than last time. Or is the lack of symptoms a symptom? Gonna need to goo.gle that! I seem to be a bit weepy..which is a little strange. I actually got choked up in the christmas aisle at tar.get today. The trigger: a cute little owl ornament. Normally my hormones swing towards rage..like a few weeks ago when I flipped off a crying baby in red lobster. I'm not proud of it but i guess the mom didn't see so it was ok. Maybe she did but seriously her kid was kind of being an a-hole. Last month I had a pretty definate feel that it was a BFN pretty early on. This time..I really don't know. I am more hopeful, Husband is SUPER excited. I know he'll take it much harder than I will if this isn't our month. It kinda feels like it could be though. I almost don't know how to process it all, I think I'm more prepared for a negative. Its familiar territory at least. I'm going to be good and not test until the 9th though. My dr has me set up for a blood test on the 10th but its an hour drive there and I have to leave at 6 am. I figure if I test on the 9th and its negative I can save my time and gas and if it even looks like a sorta kinda line I'll go for the beta.

Also I was giving a coworker a ride yesterday and the song Siren by Tori Amos came on and I burst into tears..awkward! When I saw her in concert she played it and I SOBBED the whole time. She also struggled with miscarriages and infertility and a lot of that comes though in her songs (From the Choir Girl Hotel is about her multiple losses..and a damn good album). That song gets me every time!

Siren

and you know you’re

gonna lie to you

in your own way

know know too well

know the chill

know she breaks

my siren

NEVER was one

for a

prissy girl

coquette

call in for

an ambulance

reach high

doesn't

mean SHE’S

holy

just means

she’s got a cellular

handy

almost

brave

almost

pregnant

almost in love “VANILLA”

and you know you’re

gonna lie to you

in your own way

and you don’t need the light

to guide you though this

2011-10-29T04:41:00.002-05:00

Stupid router making me be without internet! Seriously, who knew those things need batteries? We have telephone and internet through our local cable company and it uses a special modem that requires a special battery (like its 1990) that they don't have just laying around. I don't think they understand my need to read i can has cheeseburger at anytime the need strikes. Also pretty sure they are lying about the whole not having the battery on hand.

So...the baby shower was ok- turns out those people own thier own LIMO. Who the hell just OWNS a limo?? It wasn't too bad, I just drank steadily through the whole thing. It was nice to see my mom's old friend but every five minutes was more about holy shit you have a limo and this wine I'm drinking by the bottle is older than I am! Because I'm a classy bitch.

IUI number 2 officially done! I had it on Thursday, 2 follicles at 25 and 1 at 22. We had gone with our first choice donor. Last donor was 7.1 million..this guy was 42.7 million with 63% motility (I forgot to ever ask what the motility was on the 1st donor). So I'm feeling pretty good about that! They told us when we got into the room what the stats were and then left for me to get undressed and Husband was nattering on about something and I had to tell him, I like you and all but seriously I cannot concentrate with that much sperm in the room. Thankfully he thinks I'm funny. About an hour after we got home things were much less fun. I usually get a bit of ovulation pinching especially on my right, exactly the side whose turn it was this month. It felt like running of the bulls ovulation..like they were all trying to leave the ovary at once and got stuck in the doorway. Which these are my eggs, I wouldn't put that kind of klutzyness past them. And now we wait! We've decided that if this is the magic cycle for us we're going to say it didn't work and then tell our parents on christmas since it's so close. And if it doesn't we're going to take the next 2 months off and pick up in January after the holidays.

(Stupid 2WW.)

Brazilians and cocktails and boppys oh my!

2011-10-22T19:37:00.002-05:00

Well tomorrow I had planned on doing copious amounts of laundry and laying on the couch with my hand in the band of my jammie pants reading. Instead I'll be going to a baby shower for a 17 year old girl I used to baby sit. Yeah. Her mom is one of my mom's oldest friends and apparently she didn't even find out the girl was pregnant until about a month ago..she's due in 3 weeks. It'll be like a real life episode of Secret Life of the American Teenager. And to be really honest- I'm only going because the lady's new husband is super loaded and they have this awesome house that was just in a national design magazine and they throw these amazing balls out parties. Teenage parenting be damned, I'm having Brazilian bbq and custom cocktails! When she married her new husband he wanted more children so they did IVF with the same RE we use. At our first appointment I sat down to get blood drawn and I saw her on a birth announcement. A small world indeed! I'm just gonna get the chick a bop.py and be done with it!

I find this to be funny as hell: Somewhere in our house I have hidden my husband's battery packs for his xbox controllers. They are in with the cleaning products..maybe if he'd do a few chores he would find them..its been 4 days. Its killing him since Bat.man Ark.ham Asylum came out last week and he only got to play it for a few hours. I'm sticking to the claim that the hormones make me do these thing.

2011-10-21T19:27:00.003-05:00

FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU.........

Ok, its not really that bad but still. DAMMIT. I just wanted one damn thing to go well. The appointment Wednesday went ok- lining was good and had 4 follicles. The plan was to check everything again this morning and hopefully get the green light to trigger over the weekend and do the IUI first thing Monday. Everything is still good, they just want the follicles to get a wee bit bigger so they think they'll look at everything on Monday then trigger then with IUI to follow. I had 3 12's and 1 10 follicle..I thought that was good but I guess think 2 days will improve everything a bit. I guess I just didn't realize how much I had myself set up for a Monday IUI..and it would have given me a 3 day weekend which I haven't had since like May. Such a small thing but today it brought the big things into focus..why is this so fucking hard? This was all I ever wanted- and its not like I've been drawing the luck card on a lot in life. I knew that starting this process would stir up a lot and it has really started to well up the past week or so. But that's what the therapy is for right?

Blarghy. Gonna chalk this all up to horomones.

Kids these days

2011-10-18T18:18:00.003-05:00

I just saw something on tv about girls who wear bracelets or buttons with different colors basically promoting the things they are willing to do or have done sexually. I was repulsed at first but then realized my weddings pretty much tell the world "I Go All The Way. A Lot." I bet my Grandma even knows!

Onward and in a straight line

2011-10-14T13:41:00.002-05:00

IUI zwei is a go! First monitoring appointment yesterday went well- everything is where its supposed to be and progressing at an acceptable rate. I took my mom with me and they explained everything they were doing to her and showed her all around my inside bits on the ultrasound. Which that was cool and all but to do that you gotta leave the wand in there for what I'm going to call an uncomfortable amount of time. But I think she has clearer picture of the process now and maybe she can stop asking questions that could easily be googled. Specimen was ordered today, we went with our top choice, the one we had picked quite a while back. It's very strange to place the order. You do it over the phone it only takes about 5 minutes and the word SPERM never comes up but we both know what we're talking about. I have to hold back to keep myself from yelling HOT JIZZ and hanging up the phone at the end of the order. Because I lack a sense of maturity and have impulse control issues. I start the letr.ozole today and return to the RE on the 19th. I really hope this works because A) I really want a freaking baby like yesterday and B) If I have morning sickness there is NO possible way I could cook Christmas dinner for 15 like I offered to do this year.

In a side note..I WANT NEW CLOTHES! I'm afraid to buy any though. As soon as I go buy new things I will magically fall pregnant and none of them will fit. Or I'll buy them and it will send a signal to my lady junk that I don't seriously intend to be pregnant as I have all these new fancy threads to fit into. I have one pair of jeans that fit and 2 pairs of work pants. Everything else is ridiculously large. I know it's better than being to small but I look like a hobo every time I leave the house. To make up for all this I have been buying shoes and lip glosses. Can't have too many of either right?

2011-10-06T18:53:00.002-05:00

We're getting closer! 3 more days of BCPs- I remember why now a million years ago I quit taking the things and switched to latex and prayer (jokes on me!). My mom is going to go with me to my monitoring appointment and then we're going to go look at baby things for a baby shower (and a bit for myself too). My RE is about 45 minutes away so I try to pack as much as I can when I make those trips like shopping and having lunch at maca.roni grill. Also I figure if I take my mom she'll stop asking so many questions. I swear she has the memory of a pea, its nice that she's involved but dang I hate repeating myself!

**Whining Ahead- the poor me, I got sand in my vagina kind**

Not to super long after I started this blog in 2008 I wrote a bit about how my cousin lost her daughter at 31 weeks. It was of course awful and I was terribly sad for her. Her boyfriend left her soon after that and she moved back in with her mom- and we all knew it was just a matter of time before she was off living with another guy, any guy that would get her pregnant. And guess what?? About 3 months ago she hooked up with a guy she had dated in the past and is now pregnant! Neither of them work, he's a convicted felon who doesn't have custody of the other 2 children he has with 2 different women. None of this matters to her because she's finally having her baby! Which to be fair I totally understand the drive and want and cannot even start to imagine the soul sucking loss of a child. But really? Way to jack up that kid's life just because you couldn't get your life in order..she once got fired from Hoot.ers for being "slow" and she was just a hostess. I'm gonna be honest if it hasn't already shown: I don't care for her much. We weren't close growing up..she was pampered and given whatever she wanted by the same relatives who pretty much ignored me. She is completely dependent on the men in her life and only had the first child so someone would "finally love her". Just sigh. I'm not mad at her, I don't begrudge her this pregnancy but I'm not exactly super thrilled about the life this baby will have. Family is great right?

Meh.

2011-10-01T18:33:00.002-05:00

I'm just a big ol ball of pulsating hate these days. Just like my coffee- extra bitter. For pretty much no reason it seems. Work is ok, no family dramas, weather is starting to cool off and I hate the whole fucking world. It isn't even fertility related..I actually got some good cuddle time in yesterday with a 21 day old newborn. My coworker's wife brought in their baby to see me especially since he was born on my birthday! He was so little and sqwooshee! Still had that fresh baked smell. I actually had a better day after that. I love babies, through all these years it has never bothered me to be around them. Interacting with babies sort of gives me a little hope and I'd hate to cut myself off from something so wonderful. I also made the choice to stop seeing a counselor for the time being. I want to go back during pregnancy or if we get keep getting BFNs. I know I need to be able to talk with a neutral party while I don't have the option of medication during treatments and pregnancy. I think I might just be feeling a general malaise..the weather changing, a lull in our workload. I think once we get closer to the middle of October and really get started on the next cycle things will perk up.

For the love of extra cheese and bacon

2011-09-19T19:29:00.005-05:00

In the last few days I've become convinced that the reason this cycle didn't work was because I didn't lose 10lbs beforehand. So I cleaned out the pantry this weekend, threw out all non healthy snack stuff, made a huge pot of chicken & dumplings from scratch with biscuits as one last huge blow out dinner yesterday. Packed a healthy lunch for work today, cooked myself a healthy egg white breakfast bright and early and made sure my gym clothes were in the car so I would have no excuse not to go to the gym. A healthy lunch and snacks were consumed along with a ton of water, but then a wild customer appeared! I had to stay late and hit traffic! I said fuck it and went home! I twisted my husband's arm into going to a local burger place here.. their motto is literally "if you can see the grease through the bag you know its good!". Bacon cheeseburger with extra pickles and fries, don't mind if I do! SIGH. I'll start tomorrow. But I'm pretty serious about that 10 pounds. I got my eye you. (The other eye is on Kri.spy Kre.me. FOCUS!)

I found this on my desk today with a note that said hope you need this REALLY soon! I work in a military office and we have people rotating out every few months and one of the outgoing Air.men left it for me. I got a little teary eyed- its nice to have people cheering you on even better from unexpected sources. BCPs continue otherwise not much going on. Oh wait- rumour has it another deployment is probably coming. Sometime before thanksgiving. Awesome- I'll get to (*hopefully*) explain to people how I got pregnant while my spouse was deployed.

Once in a blue moon

2011-09-16T14:28:00.004-05:00

Not every day as an Infertile sucks ass. It's rare but every so now and then there comes a day- a day when its all about me. A day that probably wouldn't happen if I was a parent. I've been off all week, we had a trip planned to Dis.ney World but the IUI got scheduled for this week originally so we cancelled it and I kept my leave. If we had rugrats I don't think I would have taken the leave just because I could- I would need it for dr appointments and school things. Not to mention all trips would have to take place around school holidays..not just whenever we feel like it. So a whole week off..and I have done not a damn thing. I literally laid on the couch for 6 hours yesterday watching tv and surfing the net. I barely rubbed 2 brain cells together. And today was my masterpiece! I woke up about 10, read the paper, petted the pooch then left for my mani/pedi. Its only about 73 today which is a miracle for this time of year in Florida so I went to Star.bucks and got my bucket-o-coffee (trenta iced coffee with 5 pumps of toffee nut & nonfat milk) and read outside for about an hour :

I love my Kin.dle it goes everywhere with me

After that I decided to grab some lunch so I got some sushi to go from our favorite place and headed to the beach..all outdoor activities are highly shaded, I'm a redhead and sizzle after about 20 minutes in direct sunlight. I ate, I read and reveled in the fact that while I would prefer to be a mother above all things, that for once today it didn't suck to be me.

I only live about 5 minutes from the Gulf of Mexico, I can actually see it from my kitchen.

BFN

2011-09-15T15:01:00.003-05:00

But I'm not surprised. I just had a feeling it didn't take, the rush job on the IUI didn't boost my confidence but about a week after I pretty much knew. I commenced to pee on anything remotely considered to be a pregnancy test anyhow. My Lady showed up yesterday confirming what the tests had been telling me. I called my mom to tell her the news and hilarity ensued:

Me: That red headed bitch showed up at my house today!

Mom: Your Aunt Steffanie is in town?

Ah the joy of being in a ginger with all female ginger relatives!

I'm not that upset- I sorta knew it wasn't gonna work but I'm hopeful and still have a pretty positive outlook on this whole thing. On the other side 1 down only 5 paid IUIs left. Yikes. Starting BCPs today and I made sure to get strict instructions and repeated them back to the nurse. Looks like the week of 24 Oct 11 for go time.

And now I'd like to have a word with all the pregnancy tests in the audience. I don't come to your house and act like an asshole do I? If you asked me a simple yes or no question I would at least pretend to think about for a minute before responding. Maybe a furrowed brow to show I'm really putting some mental weight into it, or ask if I could call a lifeline. I might even consult wikipedia or a quick google search. I wouldn't be a like "Hell No!" right after the question left your mouth making you feel like a complete dumbass for even asking. I'm just saying you might want to mind your manners a little bit more in the future. Maybe even say yes in the future, perhaps? We'll work on it.

All the things!

2011-09-08T11:23:00.002-05:00

Everything is a symptom. Which makes me believe of course, that it totally did not work. I've been spending the past few days at work playing with boobs..poking and smushing them. Yeah they hurt but is it an UNUSUAL hurt? Over all I feel vaguely premenstrual..but I have to keep reminding myself- duh bitch, even if you are pregnant you're only like 3 days in! I knew the 2ww would be bad but I actually didn't count on this level of obsession. I POAS after the trigger..just wanted to see what those 2 lines would look like. Not really that gratifying since I knew it wasn't real. I'm only 6dpiui..I'm not even sure when to expect symptoms even if I got a BFP next week. I sorta forgot I asked for leave all of next week, so now I have nothing else to do but sit and obsess. At least it something I'm good at!

Done deal

2011-09-02T12:49:00.002-05:00

Well that was anticlimactic.

First IUI over and done with though! We were at the office maybe 35 minutes altogether and that includes the 10 minutes laying down after the IUI. Husband got to push the plunger, I thought it was nice of them to allow that. The only minor hiccup was with the sperm. The cryo bank guarantees 10 million at least and our vial was only 7.2. The office had already called and talked to them, they will issue us a credit or a if it didn't work a free vial next time. We actually had 2 donors that we felt were really great matches for us so if we don't get a positive I think we'll just move to the other donor, no biggie really. I had some cramping- it was like the HSG all over again. I have a narrow cervix so they had to use the clamps to get the catheter in. It was pretty neat they used the ultrasound on my belly and let us see the catheter in my uterus and like a grey mist when Husband pushed the plunger. I was joking with the Dr that I had thought about doing it the way normal people get pregnant, by drinking a bottle of wine the night before. Seriously it did occur to me I was just too lazy to go buy any. I wanted to go to Maca.roni Grill but at that point the need to lay down on my soft bed out weighed my need for pasta and bread. It was a tough call. I did ask the nurse if I had to come back for a test or do I just do one (or 20) at home..they said it was up to me. I told her truthfully I was going to start peeing on things as soon as the internet said I could.

So now, we wait!

Can't carry a tune

2011-08-31T13:02:00.002-05:00

Can't follow directions very well either it seems.

I went this morning for my blood work and ultrasound..The Dr comes in, they can't find my treatment plan. So they ask me what days I took the meds and I tell them exactly what they told me and I had written down..5 days of BCPs 5 days of Letro.zole. Tension rises. They find the notes where yes someone did talk to me and call all that stuff in..but it was supposed to be 10 days of BCPs then 5 of Letro.zole. Which sounds right, because they other way didn't BUT when I called to confirm it was 5 days of each they said that was correct. Well for the past day or so I had been getting what I know to be ovulation indicators..increased CM and a really heavy feeling in my ovary areas..well yeah cuz I got some big ass follies up in there! 1 was at 30, 1 at 24 and 1 at 16- all on the left. The right had a bunch of tiny ones under 6. So they pow-wow for a minute and came back with - well it was a huge communication error, our bad..trigger tonight and come back for the IUI on friday.

That was unexpected. I was mentally prepared for the 9th or 12th..I think I'm a little nervous. A coworkers husband is a flight medic so he is going to give me the shot..and I'll wake up at 5am my time and order the swim team! Turns out my fuck up wasn't too bad after all! And I get to go to Maca.roni Gri.ll After!!

I wish I could say my mental health day I took last week relaxed me a bit. The plan was to take my kindle and go out to the beach to read and people watch. The reality was I did laundry all day and never even got around to putting on a bra or real clothes. Being an adult blows sometimes.

Took a mental health day off work..

2011-08-25T13:20:00.001-05:00

And not a single shit was given all day.

Highly recommended.

The price of happiness..

2011-08-24T18:23:00.003-05:00

The ONLY reason we are even doing the IUIs at this point in time is because though my job on base I have insurance that supposedly covered 6 IUIs. The past few weeks I have been thinking about quitting my job or finding a different job in the same organization..sort of all depending on how much exactly the insurance was going to cover for the IUI. The company has been really vague about what and how much they cover for anything so I was pretty prepared to hear some high numbers when I called the RE to get at least a guesstimate about what I'll owe on IUI day. I'll owe a whole $24.02. Yeah, not gonna be cleaning out my desk just yet. Truthfully my job isn't that bad. We have new management and just undergoing a lot of changes and growing pains all at once. It might get better soon or I'll get pregnant, go on bed rest and quit after my maternity leave is up.

The trigger shot kit arrived and oh my holy god those needles are big. There has been no word if they do the actual sticking or if I have to trust my husband to do it. Whom I normally don't even trust to order my drink at Star.bucks (Venti iced coffee with 4 pumps of toffee nut & nonfat- it never changes guy!) I loves him but having him come at me with pointy objects is quite another thing. I actually give myself B-12 injections once a month but those are little tiny needles..these are gigantor needles.

But wait there's more!

2011-08-22T15:57:00.004-05:00

Aww...seriously thanks you guys! I just want you to know I would totally cut a bitch for any of you. It gets better though..are you ready? She's having twins. Yeah. Now on one hand I'm am genuinely happy for her. After all the dr appointments, monthly disappointments and multiple miscarriages she is finally Living The Dream. But could she do it elsewhere maybe? I'm not sure what this is I'm feeling today..I think its jealousy and shame. I didn't think I was capable of feeling resentful I guess. Not towards a fellow infertile, I thought I was above that- same team and all right? And she was surprisingly considerate about it. We were talking about how she's gonna have to buy 2 of everything and she stopped and was like do you mind that I'm talking about this so much? I said no, this is totally your day- you've earned it. And she has. All pity parties were totally held in private and off the clock. I think more I felt like she should have maybe just told a few select people..in light of the fact that she's had several miscarriages just this year. I'm worried for her. I did joke with her a bit that she has set the bar pretty high for me now..can't really top twins! Of course we all want to get that BFP right on the first try but that's just not realistic all the time. But at least it won't be totally INMYFACE since they are moving her out of our facility since she is active duty and we have a "high stress environment". Only ok for pregnant civilians.

I just finished up 5 days of BCP's and start the letr.ozole today..I'm trying so hard not to be OMFG practically pregnant (unrealistic) and keep a cool demeanor (active fantasy life on the inside). I'm not going to lie..when the trigger shot gets here I'm going to squeal a bit. Thank god the sperm tanks don't get delivered to the house, I'd probably try to include it in a family portrait.

In short- I'm a mess. I can't believe a medical professional thinks I'm mature enough to have children. Once its out of the oven, too late I touched it! no backsies!

I say bad words in this one..more than usual.

2011-08-18T19:34:00.002-05:00

Thank you all so much for thoughts about my cousin, it really means a lot to me.

Oh hey, that infertile friend I have? Crossed over to the other side! So now instead of her crying everyday about how unfair it all is that they have tried for a whole YEAR and STILL don't have a baby..I get to hear about her betas and OMG are they doubling?? Now to be fair she has had 2 miscarriages this year and of course no infertile is ever having a really good time with life. But not 2 weeks ago she was sobbing about how it was too hard and she couldn't do it anymore..like in front of customers. I had to take her out back and basically tell her hey I know but srsly keep it together in the front office..use the crying stall in the bathroom if you need to. With a little math..she was already pregnant during this outburst..my secret theory? The reason she couldn't get a referral or a Dr to take her seriously is that she can't add. Or use an OPK properly. Yes, she obviously has issues staying pregnant but she keeps getting pregnant at "off" times. Then she outed me at work by announcing "I was totally next and hey how'd that appointment with the fertility doctor go?". I took her aside and calmly (yay for me!) told her that wasn't everyone information please keep it under wraps..she said she felt bad and was a bit embarrassed. Then, omg, fucking then she says maybe you'll have a miracle like me and won't need fertility drugs!

Reader, I could have choked the fucking life out of her. She knows good goddamned well I'm not getting a miracle. I was literally speechless. And 20 minutes later I caught her smoking outside. I had to take a xanax because I was going to have a stroke. I have been trying to keep off my fancies (as I like to call them) but today it was an emergency. I know she's happy and stressed and worried but good lord I'd like to think *I* wouldn't turn into such an asshole as soon as I got a positive beta. I'd at least wait a few weeks. Sheesh.

But I came home, snuggled with my doggies and made cinnamon rolls from scratchish. The rolls may have come from a tube but the icing is homemade! It counts!

The good and the bad

2011-08-16T17:25:00.002-05:00

Started my cycle today, called the RE and we are off to the races my friends! I had a feeling they weren't going to make me wait until my cycle started in September..glad to get some good news! I picked up the bcps today and will start them tomorrow. Called the pharmacy place and ordered my trigger shot. After the 1st I'll order the swim team and have it sent to the office and depending on how everything looks the IUI will be between the 9th-12th of September. I'm more concerned about cost than anything..my insurance actually covers a portion of the IUI, I was told I'd pay less than $100 but I like knowing firm factual things. I'm having a hard time getting excited today, my cousin passed away early this morning. He told his wife he wanted to be home by tonight if that was ok with her and she told him to go whenever he felt ready..he went about 3 hours later. I cannot convey in words how deeply I feel for her and their children.

They know something I don't know!

2011-08-13T17:24:00.003-05:00

Or do they? Those coy RE mothers, holding out on me!

No really, I have no clue. I got a call from a pharmacy wanting my insurance info and I had the presence of mind to at least ask what it was for. I had my fingers crossed for a quart of liquid lora.tab but it was for the trigger shot. I was a little stunned so I don't even remember the brand. The lady asked me when I needed it by and I said I had no clue, I thought the new plan was after my September cycle, basically October. She said the order they had was to deliver it no later than August 30. But using that date doesn't make it fit into this cycle either. I just don't know. I'm not new to being infertile but I am new to all the fancy drugs, doctors and vagina exams. I hate being the new kid.

My cousin is 24, active duty Army and has 3 children under 5, the youngest less than 6 months. He has been in a medicated coma for over a week undergoing chemo for masses on both his lungs. His sister is getting married today, tomorrow they will take him off the ventilator and he will either breathe on his own or slip away. The odds that he will breathe are very, very low. 2 trips to the desert but cancer just doesn't give a fuck.

It has rained every day for a week now

2011-08-09T20:44:00.002-05:00

Moving right along into the month..I'm due to start my cycle Friday at the earliest, Monday at the latest. I did my OPK last week got a smiley face on the appropriate day. Sometimes I feel like ZOMG we are TRYING soon!!!111. Other days its just a mountain I can't climb, see over or even attempt to navigate around. I have been seeing a counselor but really its just me bouncing the same ideas off another person, she has no idea what I'm actually dealing with or really even how to guide me. I guess just getting it out helps.

All these years I've longed for an infertile friend, someone who knew what it was all about, we could commiserate over coffee, alcohol and cigarettes (hey if we can't have kids may as well live it up). Turns out, its not so much fun. I have a coworker with PCOS and recently discovered MF issues. She's looking into seeing my RE and I fully support her and she always has my ear and shoulder. But between the two of us its a bit of a sobfest. I suck at being a girl. My only nod to femininity is my shoe collection so the overload of girl hormones that gets to flowing is a bit much for me. An people, she's a hugger. I'd prefer a light pat on the arm or not at all- PDA is like water boarding for me. Yeah its nice to have a real life buddy in the trenches but I think maybe I should have wished for a kitten instead.

Embarrassing thing I wouldn't tell real life people but I like you:

When I ejected my OPK stick I noticed it had 2 lines on the test part and my first thought was holy shit THAT'S what 2 lines looks like!! I then spent the rest of my bathroom time pretending I was telling people I was with child. Then I bought myself a trenta iced coffee to celebrate (which you obviously shouldn't do in real life.) What can I say, I have a rich fantasy Life.

Crushed

2011-08-05T15:38:00.002-05:00

My dog is blind. Also How did I not know?

When we got her, even as a small puppy she would run into things or bump into stuff and it was just silly puppy clumsiness. As she got a bit older it seemed to happen more and I noticed her eyes had a bluish tint to them. I thought as she got much older she might have cataracts like my other dachshunds (she is half doxie) but that would be many years on down the road. So at their yearly vet appt today I asked if he could look at her eyes. He feels she has progressive retinal atrophy and that she is about 90% blind. She might see shadows but that's about it. PRA is present from birth and happens slowly so the dog actually has some adjustment to losing their sight and isn't painful. It's also not curable and my poor sweet butterbutt will eventually be totally blind. I am just crushed, I'm one of those crazy dog people I think my dogs are little people. She sleeps with me every night and has since she was 4 months old. I told her if she was totally house trained she wouldn't have sleep in her crate anymore. She never had another accident in the house from that morning. (Really she sleeps between the sheet and the blanket down by my feet, she loves to burrow.) She always come in from outside smelling like sunshine and fresh grass. She loves it when you nuzzle behind her ears where her fur is extra soft. She is the most lovable dog I've ever met. She will let you pick her up and hold her in any position for hours, as long as she is getting attention she could care less. My poor Baby Barkington, my little puppy soul mate. I am really upset about this, she is in doggy heaven though. I feel terrible so she go to go through the Star.bucks drive thru and got a cup with some whipped cream and a dog bone in it, they love her at that store and spoil her terribly. Her dad ran out to pick up some things at the store and got her some fries at a another drive thru. My god if we had 2 legged children they would probably get ponies for every splinter.

2011-07-26T19:34:00.002-05:00

I am not here because I am reading Then Came You by Jen.ifer We.iner. I love all her books, Good In Bed is one of my all time favorites. Then Came You involves donors, surrogates and nontraditional families. I'm devouring it only taking breaks to cry and pee (I'm a tea drinker on a gallon scale).

I still think everyday the clinic will call and apologize for the hold up. BUT that nasty skank at work? Totally quitting! Turns out her baby daddy dropped her already and she can't handle our shifts (we're a 24 hour operation on a military base and required to be available for all shifts), she's been back from maternity leave for a week and already called out twice for lack of childcare. Um, hello even I know you kinda had like 8 months to get that figured out. I am an angry miserable bitch this week. Luckily I am surrounded by friends and coworkers who know whats going on and are willing to ignore me or apply coffee as needed. We are having a going away party for my work bestie tomorrow since her family is pscing to the great midwest so I'm hoping thats what is causing my overall weepiness and malaise.

Side note: Also it seems I'm not smart and can't figure out how to post a comment without it being anonymous. I'm a real person dammit! I want to comment but don't want to come off as stalkerish and weird- much like my real life I fear.

2011-07-21T19:35:00.002-05:00

Oh muh furking gah. I want to murder someone with murder. I am so upset I ate a loaf of bread AND had a coke. I haven't had soda in 4 years. No really. Weight loss surgery patients shouldn't have it and its one of the "rules" that I've proudly stuck to.

Soo..I went to my appointment yesterday for the baseline ultrasound. Everything looks good, we go to the front to get our next instructions. Where the lady tells us ok then, call us in September! Um, what? No, our plan was to do the IUI like next week. I have that on paper! The RE is going to a conference..I get that I totally do. Also would have been super fucking cool if I had been told this the other 5 times I've been there in the last month. So yeah. September. I just had this tiny small hope I'd be pregnant by my birthday which is the second week of September. I won't.

2011-07-18T16:48:00.001-05:00

I don't care if you have to make my casket 6 inch longer. I *will* be buried in these shoes. I love them so much, they make me feel good just wearing them to the grocery store. I'm a bit tall in them as I am already 5'9 barefoot. I <3 these shoes! I think they will be worn tonight to work since I need a pick me up.

2011-07-18T16:40:00.002-05:00

Well, AF showed up today..4 freakin days early. I'm normally so regular you can set your watch by my cycle, so this bums out just a bit. I think the abnormal amount of stress I've been under at work is throwing everthing out of whack. I've also been having to work the midnight shift since the girl who was supposed to just quit out of the blue. I think I'm too old to do that, it takes me DAYS to get my body back in sync after 1 mid, a week worth just messes me all up.

So Wednesday- baseline ultrasound and bloodwork, then we'll go from there depending on what all that says. I'm excited in an oh-my-god-I'm-gonna-barf kind of way.

All new low!

2011-07-16T12:24:00.001-05:00

I cried in the baby section of Tar.get today. Not like single tear from the please don't litter indian but full on crying game shower sobbing. Right in front of the breast pumps. I wasn't even over there a specific reason, just wanted to "look".

Sigh.

2011-07-12T20:07:00.001-05:00

They need a sibling. They may tell you they only want extra bacon but trust me the last thing they need is to be a little more spoiled. See the one on the right? She doesn't even know she's a dog. In her defense it might be my fault since we still haven't told her she's adopted. I feel at 8 years old she is still my little puppypants butterbutt and these things cannot be rushed.

So squwisshy!

2011-07-12T19:59:00.001-05:00

20 Things I believe in:
1.The right to be heard
2.That being a good friend just isn't enough, you have to HAVE good friends too
3.Being on time is never a bad thing
4.IF wearing all black all the time makes you feel skinny and happy by all means, rock on
5.If you can't learn to park it, don't drive it.
6.After a certain age we all need to wear shirts with sleeves
7.Red lipstick is always appropriate
8.High school was in no way practice for real life by a longshot
9.Star.bucks can make any day better
10.Don't hide. Someone else might be struggling with the exact same issue and may need to hear that it WILL be ok
11.Never underestimate the power of 1000 count sheets
12.Dis.ney is no place for children
13.After 8 pm I should be able to go to dinner or a movie without having to listen to a screaming child
14.Hating people based on race, gender or sexual preference makes you a bad person
15.On my birthday I get to be as lazy, assholeish and cranky as I want
16.There is no point in ruining a dinner out bitching about the service, get over it and enjoy your meal
17.Its not ok to not know how to prepare and cook even 1 meal, even if its just grilled cheese and fishsticks cook the shit out of it
18.You don't have to forgive everyone but its good to know when to at least move on
19.Always keep around at least 1 picture of yourself that you love, if they have to put your picture on the news at least it'll be a good one
20.Happiness really is a warm, well fed and snoring puppy

Keep in touch!

2011-07-12T19:58:00.001-05:00

Have I ever said this to you? Then you already know. You will probably never hear from me again.

I seriously don't fall off the friendship wagon on purpose. Its partly I'm not very sentimental by nature, also I don't feel my life is so awesome that I feel the need to pick up a phone and call across three timezones to tell someone I accidently went to star.bucks twice in one day. Which I totally did one time. Didn't even realise it until the guy at the counter said something. Figures my internal autopilot is set for the Buck.

Since graduting high school I keep in touch with exactly one person. And by keep in touch I mean he sent me a text and I replied. I think the last time we talked was May 2009. We're super close besties! I have also considered the fact that I am not a friendly person. If I walk into a room and people notice me, its probably due to a wardrobe malfunction and I've got a nipple hanging out. Funny story: Thats totally how I met Steve. Ok not really, we met on the internet but thats not funny at all.

Being a military spouse there are tons of cool people I've met of the years. All the ones that weren't swingers I've enjoyed meeting and I'd love to continue being friends with. Just don't move out of my zip code. Seriously.

Um.

2011-07-11T16:27:00.002-05:00

Another ultrasound, another monday. Both sucked.

I have the key to a successful dildocam ultrasound..thigh high socks! Pull those bad boys up and the feeling of total full on nudity lessens. Still not the same as wearing pants but I can work with it. And those follicles I had on Friday that were on track to ovulate over the weekend? Still right they were, just pleased as punch with themselves. Oh my fucking sigh. I don't know what it means or if its even that big of deal in the long run with all the meds they'll be throwing at me. One of my husbands coworkers is a fellow infertile and she was able to talk me down with at least my lining and blood work is good and hey! I had follicles! (unlike her, she's on her own process of IVF/DE). So yeah. All day pity party for one ensued, since my appt was at 8 am. Add on crappy busy work day full of whining and moaning. Monday's are our busiest and worst day of the week, taking care of all the issues that happened over the weekend. With an extra helping of employee drama, I'm just ready for bed. Our yard guy has been blowing us off for a week and I came home to a violation note from the city. Seriously the grass is barely an inch, someone just felt like passing on thier Monday assholeness. Mission accomplished. Everyone can suck it though, cuz I'm calling in sick tomorrow to lay in bed and read the new Game Of Thrones book with a bag of dor.itos by my side. I blame society.

Nyah.

2011-07-07T19:16:00.003-05:00

I'm in love! With the ultrasound tech no less! It was quick and painless, I'm not even sure she more than glanced at my Ladyness and didn't spend any extra time poking around. She explained everything as she went and pointed everything out. The follicle on my right is at 21 and had 5 that were less than 10. Lining looks great, basically everything is right on track. My left ovary was a bit shy but they good news is not a single cyst in sight! The last time we got this close that shut the whole thing down so I'm feeling a bit more peppy but I still made an appointment with the counselor next week.

I have realized that if I do get pregnant, I'm going to have to quit my job. Not to be a stay at home home, I just can't work THERE. Its too high stress, high drama and too much overtime. 6 months ago I wouldn't even entertain the thought but a lot of changes have been happening and none of them are good. Morale is VERY low and the stress rises every day. Combined with the already high protein in my urine and elevated BP I've always known any pregnancy would mostly take place on bed rest. I like my job and the work I do but I think I'm ready to move on..not sure about being a SAHM because I like money and I'm not exactly what you'd call frugal. I'm trying really really hard but I'm not sure we can ever fully go down to one income. Unless I sell off my shoes.

And so it begins..kinda

2011-07-06T21:04:00.002-05:00

Tomorrow is my first ultrasound, the grand premiere of my Ladyness to a whole new audience. I don't know anyone who enjoys an afternoon of trans vaginal ultrasound goodness but I'm def in super squeamish highly modest clique. Wanna talk about super gross, ultra TMI stuff? Horrifyingly embarrassing personal stories? I'm your girl, my life is an open book! Need to get an annual Lady exam? I'm gonna need you to just go ahead and try to do that with my knees clamped together and my feet spaced just enough. You're the pro you shouldn't need to look. I barely glance when typing at work, the same thing should apply to you. Also for the love of god when I wince at the sight of the "wand" don't ask if I want to insert it myself. We may as well just make out at that point. I know I should get used to it and that if we do have a baby all kinds of people will be up in my Ladyness all the time but in the mean time I can dream of delivery by candlelight and of a Dr that examines by touch alone and never makes eye contact.

I was supposed to start on the smiley face OPKs on Tuesday but Monday I figured hey I'm peeing and the tempting sticks are right there, lets just see how it works! And hello there smiley face! So I called first thing Tuesday and they scheduled me for ANOTHER ultrasound in addition to the one already scheduled for tomorrow. Sweet lord that's a lot of leg shaving. Past the knee no less! We have a tentative date of August 4th for the IUI. Since I came in mid cycle they are just seeing how things go with my lady junk and will proceed promptly when my next period begins.

We had a good 4th at the in laws pool, cool water and steaks on the grill. I was laying out our cycle plan as far as it had been given to me by the Dr on paper and I think my MIL finally gets it. We had said from the get go..6 IUI's and we're done. Physically and emotionally that was we thought we could handle. And luck would have it..my insurance pays for 6! Well that just made us quitters in my MIL's eyes. Surely there's not much involved, just a turkey baster really! Um, no. We sorta brought that on ourselves maybe..we tried to explain things in the simplest terms in the beginning to make it not seem so big and scary and a little more relatable I guess? But after hearing about the BCPs, the letr.ozole, the trigger shot, the constant monitoring and office visits, I think she really understands. Its not just showing up at the clinic having tea and cakes with the nurses then slipping into the back room for a thawed out protein injection (that's what my husband calls it. yes, he thinks he's very funny.) then skipping off to get a pedicure. Small progress is still progress and I'll take what I can get.

And so has come the crash.

I've spent the past few days on the verge of tears, everything is off kilter, the sense of impending doom is overwhelming. I'll never get pregnant, I'm such a dumbass for even buying into it. I'm a sullen teenager posing as a 30 year old. I'll get pregnant but god knows positives don't lead to babies and surely I'd have the hardest most complicated pregnancy known to medical history. I know I'm a mess, I started seeing a counselor but it would nice to have someone who relates. I think its just the fact of knowing this will always be a part of me, it will never go away makes it so hard to believe there could be sleepless night and sore nipples and spit up in my future. I am a joyless blob at the moment. Spending last night eating my considerable weight in che.x mix and reading What to Expect When You're Expecting didn't exactly help. Well, the book is funny and I always enjoy a good light mindless read. Sigh.

I just crave, I yearn, I need. I can't explain it, its just there.

(Also, these posts are totally going to get shorter, it's been a while and its nice to actually have something to share.)

Srsly?

2011-07-01T23:15:00.003-05:00

Oh my sweet baby Jesus in a bouncy house. We are launching!

We had our appt with the RE who we was in 2008 today. We had a less than shiny opinion of him from the last visit as he kept trying to push us towards IVF and seemed sort of disdainful of our choice to use DI. We went in totally expecting to defend every choice, armed with an argument for every angle. We get in sit down and he was like bam- start with the ovulation sticks on monday and we'll go from there..he laid out the whole cyle in dates and steps basically ending with a pregnancy test on or about August 10. I thought we would have wait and jump through hoops maybe even juggle some puppies but since I just had AF last week we're ready to roll! He gave me Let.rozole which was mildly unexpected- I guess I just assumed it would be Clo.mid, no real reason other than brand recognition. I go next week for blood work and an orientation of sorts..I also forgot to ask any questions.

I'm a bit in shock still..I just expected to have to wait another month or so. I'm trying not to be so excited but I really am. When I was going to the clinic on the AFB I just knew it wasn't going to work, I didn't know why or how but I just had this deep down feeling that it wasn't going to work. And sure as hell, big cyst cancelled the 1st cycle and Christmas the 2nd ( because military bases don't work pretty much the week before or after Christmas..pretty much only the ER is open and you pretty much need to be dead to be seen.) But this whole week I've just felt peace. This weird blissed out feeling with a chaser of feeling pretty OK. Kinda odd considering I'm off my meds for this whole thing and I've been one miserable, tense bitchface.

Now I know the odds and the statistics and yes people DO actually get pregnant on the 1st try and have actual babies!! Really I'm more pumped about being believed in and given a chance to get off the bench and into the game than anything else. I almost can't even think about actually being pregnant. The idea is so foreign and exotic! We are both on such a high today, this level of optimism has not been seen at our house in a really long time. My husband was in such a good mood he didn't even blink when I bought a $24 tube of conditioner at the mall after our appt. Also the best part? The RE's office is next to a mall containing my favorite place in the word...Maca.roni Gri.ll! So every time we go to the Dr, I get to faceplant in a plate of bruschetta. Its a win-win I feel.

Also, the Letr.ozole only cost me $3. Thanks tri.care!

Where yah been?

2011-06-14T17:55:00.005-05:00

I've been here, there and nowhere.

That whore? From the earlier post? Yeah I've been working tons of overtime because she's off having a baby out of wedlock..well not really. She's still actually married just her husband isn't the father. I just can't seem to find my sad-for-you face for her and her self created situation. And I still hate the soul out of her. More snotty and snide remarks about me not having children..blah blah blah. She's lucky I have class and wouldn't fuck up a pregnant woman. Baby Jesus knows its crossed my mind.

We've been going to Dis.ney every chance we get..this last trip we got upgraded to a honeymoon suite at Wilder.ness Lod.ge and it was awesome..nice jetted tub, concierge service and topped it all off with an AWESOME dinner at Victo.ria & Alb.ert's. Best money I've ever spent on food, every meal ever since has been let down.

So where are we on the fertility stuff? You know the reason I've got this silly blog?

We're closer than ever! No, like for realsies. Kidney Dr cleared me all the way, he was the one I was worried about. He said he knows full well that understand my issues and the complications that could arise but my numbers are decent enough. He also said he 4 kids and totally understands my desire for children and that if his wife had my issues and numbers he would absolutely tell her to go for it. He said as soon as I get a positive, let him know and they will start monitoring. Every time he said "when you get pregnant" not "if". I could have hugged for that. Just that small show of support really meant a super lot to me. My insurance will cover 6 medicated IUIs. On July 1st we meet with the RE (who we saw before but just couldn't afford without the insurance I got through work) hopefully since we've meet him before and we still want the same game plan, we can get this show on the road.

I'm totally playing it cool, not getting my hopes up at all. One cool customer.

(I did possibly totally revamp and add a million things to my baby registry.)

(And pick out some different names.)

(Thought about daycare options.)

*ahem*

Just chillen, no high hopes here, no ma'am.

Also I have to give up this insurance by November 30th. So I kinda need to be pregnant by then cuz after that, its really over. We simply cannot afford IUI or even IVF on our own. We figure by then we gave it our best then move on to other options. Kinda not thinking about that, yeah?

Some people deserve to get punched

2009-07-13T03:06:00.002-05:00

So this chick I work with. She thinks she can say whatever she wants to people, no matter how mean or rude, because she isn't from here. Seriously, she tols another coworker she was really fat (she isn't) then laughed and said Oh I sorry, its because I'm thai! No its because you're a tactless whore. Any way- way back around Mother's Day I mentioned I was going out and she said "Why? You don't have children, you should stay home." And I let it go. I don't care for her anyways it wasn't worth it. Then Father's Day. This time it was are you going out, oh never mind you don't have kids! Thats just useless for you huh? And again, I let it go. So we're sitting around the office other day and this is the conversation that took place:

DSW*: When did you get married?
Me: 2002. In September.
DSW: Oh me too! But November. But I guess I win!
Me (kinda knowing what she means but asking anyways): What do you mean?
DSW: Well I have a baby and we all know you can't have babies.
Me: What the fuck did you just say to me?
DSW: Um, nothing?
Me: You need to clock out and go home.

Oh my I was so hot. Then like 20 minutes later she comes back in and kept trying to rub my shoulders. The nerve of some fucking people. Maybe i'm just sensitve? But there were other people in the room and they couldn't believe she would say something like that. My god, I don't blurt out about how we all know she cheats on her husband all the time and that she's ugly slut. You know, because I'm a classy fucking bitch. So I tell my boss about it, more in a can you freaking believe that way, not so much tattling. But my boss thought it merited a counseling session and a note in her file. Take that you foul uttering beast! I wins and I felt kinda ok with that. Also they are moving her to the midnight shift until she can act right and keep her effing mouth shut.

*DSW - Dick Stuffed Whore

I has a sad..

2009-07-07T20:47:00.003-05:00

And yet again its been FOREVER. I know, I'm working on it. I have every intention of making promises I don't intend to keep.

Since its been forever lets just have a quick and dirty bullet post! Yay!

Our orders to New Mexico got cancelled. This made me VERY happy. They got cancelled because my kidneys are way more fucked than anyone thought. Not like transplant and dialysis fucked (yet) but enough for them to have had to do another biopsy and put me on super high doses of prednisone. Result: didn't work, moving on to another medication. All it did was make me gain 40 pounds in 4 months and give me acne like it was 1999 again.
Took my cousins to Disney World in April. It was awesome, they had NO idea they were going until we were about 2 hours from arriving. They thought we were going camping. It made me really happy that they had a good time. They are both honors students and all around good kids despite being teenagers. They had never been on vacation before or been spoiled the way they were for the week we were there. I love my Aunt, thier mom, but I hate the way she lives her life and the way her kids suffer for it. So it was nice to let them forget about thier problems, be kids and spoil the shit out of them.
Working alot. Like A LOT. We're short 2 people, other people are deployed and the new airmen we've got don't have high enough level certification to work by themselves. This makes it suck. It means I'm there just to baby sit but I get lots of reading done.
Bought a new car. Husband's check engine light came on so we traded it in. Thats how non handy we are. I wish I was making this up.
We got a new pup,a doberman mix and her name be Lulu. Also known as: Lulu Beene, Lu Beenus, Lu Beenie, Beenus, Louisa Von Doberman and No Lulu goddammit what the fuck are you doing!! We had gone to a dog barkery here to get Roxie's picture taken and we saw Lulu there and just had to take her home. We loves her to bits already.
Going to see Tori Amos in 20 days! Seriously this has been something I wanted to do for the last 10 years and the planets finally aligned in all the right ways. I'm going with my mom but I can just pretend she isn't there.

And thats pretty much it. Oh yeah the whole baby thing. I'm thinking it just isn't gonna happen. With my kidneys and all the meds I'm on theres no way this bird is going to be cleared for take off. I try so hard most days to not even think about it, somedays it works other days not so much. I'm thinking next year we might have enough money to at least get started with an agency. I'm still signing up for insurance through my job in November just in case because they cover 6 IUIs. But I'm not holding my breath. Its been almost 8 years we've been trying. True, most of them were blind, not knowing we had a real issue other than stress, time apart or minor health stuff. I'm just so fucking ready.

Letting the days go by

2008-11-09T17:58:00.002-06:00

It seems like I don't post too much huh? I've been meaning to get my thoughts down but these past few months I've had TOO much to say and no kind of order to put them into. Here goes:

1. Husband had surgery. Sperm were found but weren't mature and the very few they found were deemed unusable. This and other factors found points to it being genetic in nature. His DNA was sent off and it will be months before we hear anything back.

2. We recieved orders to Cannon AFB in New Mexico. I'm pissed as hell about this and I'm not going quietly. The AF has cut us off at every pass it seems to diagnose and help us deal with our infertility and now they send us to a base that would make it impossible to travel to get treatments. Its like we're being punished for being uncouth infertiles. ( OK, yes that a little extreme. I'm a tad emotional these days..)

3. found out that a military base not 2 hours from here was opening their fertility program again but only for IUIs. Thats perfect, it can work! Better still: its free!!!

And thats it. Theres been a lot more over the past months but thats the quick and dirty version. I just had my HSG and am waiting to start my cycle in the next few weeks then I will start the Clo.mid and be on my way. I'm scared as fuck. I'm scared of failing, of it working, of losing a baby or having a baby. I'm also very happy, content and at peace with every choice we've made. I don't think I could ask for more than that at this point in my life. Besides waking up and being 30 pounds lighter with perky boobs.

We bring the funneh

2008-07-22T23:37:00.003-05:00

We try to find the El Oh Els in everthing, even this bit of infertility fuckery. All of the other blogs, books, articles and so on that we have read related to azoospermia and the like just aren't us. We're highly immature to start with. We can't go to a single urology appointment where one or both of doesn't have a giggle fit because the doctor kept saying Penis. The one time he said Rectal Exam I nearly peed myself. We try to approach life in general with a healthy dose of good humour. He explained his condition to his brothers that " His man chowder was lacking in protein." In private we refer to it as his vacant downstairs apartment. Its fully furnished all the lights and utilities are on but its unoccupied. Seriously we have gotten so much milage out of this jokewise you'd never know its killing us too. But the one thing we do best ( besides funny accents*) is find the funny in the shitty stuff and just keep going.

We are waiting on a date for a testicular biopsy to see what really going on down there. We aren't being very hopeful. The only thing we're staying postive about it is that he'll come back with all the parts he went in with. Because we're going on a cruise the first week of September and he's got a speedo to fill out.

* We seriously almost didn't get married because he talked in an Irish accent for almost 3 weeks and had done it for so long he couldn't stop. It was really funny then got old when we had to meet with the pastor performing the ceremony and he was like oh wow you're from Ireland thats so cool and I had to explain that no, he just gets really commited to a joke. I tell him all the time any bump or lump is cancer and he never believes me. My Dr had to call him to get his permission to print out his lab work and I actually talked him into telling him I had cancer of the belly button (my biggest fear). It was awesome and he totally knew the guy was kidding.

I said WHAT?

2008-06-16T23:15:00.001-05:00

One of the women I work with is pregnant and due very soon. We were talking about all things baby and how excited and nervous she is to be a first time mother. Then it happened.

Coworker: “I’ll just be glad when its all finally over and I’ll have one beautiful baby to love!”

Me: “What if you have 3 ugly babies, will that even it out?”

I swear to god I didn’t mean to say that and thankfully she has known me long enough and knows my sense of humor that she just laughed it off. Some day I swear I’m gonna grow up and start acting right.

Its been such a long time..

2008-06-11T19:38:00.000-05:00

I haven’t been updating much; there hasn’t been much to say really. Husband came home from his deployment and we went on our trip to New Orleans . We had a good time but it was really hot. Two weeks we got our stimulus check and decided lets not do something adult like save the money for IVF let’s go to Di.sney! So we did. And it was awesome. I had never been before; it was really something to see. While we were there Husband got the call that he would be attending ALS. This was good but also presented a problem. You see we have been sharing a car for 7 years. That’s right; here in America we only have 1 car for our family! We live on base and work the same shift so really there has been no reason to get another car. We’ve been talking about it for a while but just never got around to it. So last week I did some looking online and Saturday we picked up our new Ice Blue 2008 Hyundai Accent. I love it and its mine.

So yeah for other reasons and this and that IVF and whatnot is at a stand still. A big reason is financial another is the donor. Our possible known donor still wants to do it, totally on board. We are also totally open to using an anonymous donor. Both of these situations have their pros and cons. Also we’re going to see a Dr. Friday about surgical options for Husband. It may be that he has something in there and the whole donor thing is not even an issue. We were looking at the donor angle because they initially said he was basically sterile for unknown reasons (zeros across the board on his SAs) after countless tests and even genetic testing. But we came to the conclusion that we have to do all we can, for all we known he has millions of sperm they just have no way to get out.

I think I mentioned here before that my cousin was having a baby and I was kinda ticked about it, with her being unmarried and a mess and they had picked out a dumb name for their baby. Yeah well her baby died at 31 weeks. And I feel like the biggest asshole. I know I had no way of predicting that would happen but it was a really sad situation. She was in the hospital for almost a month before Baby Girl passed and they knew she was going to it was just a matter of when. Baby Girl is her first child and while they didn’t have trouble conceiving and have been given the all clear that it wasn’t genetic, its obviously been very hard and tragic for her.

So there we are. Its been a busy month with lots of highs and lows. We’re waiting to see what the Dr on Friday says and hopefully get scheduled for surgery. With ALS it won’t be until August sometime but at least we’ll be on the path to getting some answers or at least another piece of the puzzle.

Well OK then..

2008-04-06T11:19:00.002-05:00

When I was in high school I had the bestest Best Friend. We were both only children with dads so far off in the distance as to be be non existant. We had a lot in common and our friendship lasted from the first week of middle school until well after high school, when life and other adult things go in the way. The only thing we ever differed on was the subject of childen. I wanted tons, she loathed them. I made all my cash baby sitting, she once faked a seizure to get out of changing a diaper. So of course she's pregnant again when her first child is 6 months old. In a way I think its funny as hell because she was so adament about NEVER having kids. And of course its a little sad because I have none. Woe is me. Woe, woe, woe.

Of Dogs and Babies

2008-03-22T22:43:00.003-05:00

I am a dog person. I come from a dog family. I could not see my life with dogs. When my mother left my Stepfather #1 we had to leave our 2 dogs behind. That was the hardest thing I had yet to encounter at age 13 and for many years I cried myself to sleep because I missed my puppies so much. When we moved in with Stepfather #2 he had 2 cats, we would have to wait to get another dog.

When I met my husband and we started talking seriously about have a shared future together ( Like on our 3rd date!) I told him hands down, no matter what you say, we are getting a dog as soon as possible. I had it all planned out: I wanted a black and tan miniature dachshund. I was raised by dachshunds pretty much. My grandma's weiner dog Mimi was born 2 weeks before me and lived to be 19. My fathers parents always had dachshunds, I just love the breed. I could see my little weiner dog wearing cute collars, waddling on walks and just doing what dachshunds do best: burrowing in couch blanket for a nice nap. It was all planned...

One morning about 10 months after we had moved to our first base in Georgia I woke up early. We had been having intense discussions all week about finding a breeder and starting to look for our weiner dog. But when I woke up that morning I knew we weren't getting a dachshund. We were going to the pound. I woke the husband up and off we went. We got to the Lowndes County Animal Shelter 10 minutes after they opened. We filled out the registry and waited for someone to take us back to the dog area. We were lucky the lady said, they were just putting out some new puppies for the first time today. The mother had been found and brought to the shelter where she had the puppies but had to be put to sleep soon after. The puppies had been fostered and hand feed but were now 8 weeks old and ready for forever homes. We knew we wanted a female pup but were open to anything ( I saw we but the husband has learned to just go along with my ideas at this point. He's a good man.) We saw a little white puppy who could have been a jack russell/ beagle mix ( The mother was a beagle). I knew this was my puppy! The lady said ok, but lets take the other female from the litter into the play room just in case. So we go into the room and sit down and try to coax the little white puppy over. Poor thing just sat in the middle of the room and peed on herself. The other puppy waddled over, climbed into my lap and started knawing on my shoelaces. I started to pet her and she looked up at me and I just knew this was my girl. God wanted me at the pound that day to give this dog the best home she could have.

I love my puppy so much. My husband is deployed a lot and we have no children so she is all I have sometimes. She feels my moods and is always there when I need to have kisses or give kisses. She is so silly and funny, it is impossible to be or upset around my sweet pup. I love to smell her fur when she comes in from outside, you can just smell the grass and sunshine. She isn't what we planned for and wasn't even our first choice but she is half dachshund. And I can't imagine our life without her.

Right now I totally realize how this mirrors our IF and the choices we are making. Right now I am seriously debating adopting first. If I am as healthy as they say and my eggs are so good, then why not put IVF off until I'm 32? Thats 4 years from now, and I'm not even saying we would wait that long. I just want a baby as soon as possible. I could care less the source. There is no rule that says you MUST have biological children before you adopt. Right now since I'm diverting 95% percent of my pay cheach pay period we would have enough money by the end of the year to start the adoption process. With the doctors being so fucktarded I'm almost so over the IVF thing before it starts. I just want the end result, I dont care how it comes. I thought I knew once what i wanted and made plans for it but thats not how ife turned out and now I have something I wouldn't trade for the world.

Too Sensitive?

2008-03-21T15:47:00.003-05:00

In my email today I got one of those pass around email quiz thingys. I got it from my stepmother whom I think the world of. She sent it to me and her daughter, my aunt and cousins. One of the questions was about what you want/wish for someone else. She wrotethat she wished for her daughter, her husband and Husband and I to have children if we wanted them. WTF? She was one of the first people we told months ago that it wasn't going to happen and we needed to take extreme measures. It just kinda seemed like she was saying if we wanted babies hard enough it would happen. Her daughter and her husband don't want children ( Although I'm betting she hits 30 and gets mad baby fever. And of course she'll get knocked up right away, she's perfect. There are obviously issues here...). I just felt like it was a lame way word the statement. If it was a random person I'd just shrug it off but she totally knows the whole ugly sob story. Some days I just don't get it.

If you get the urge...

2008-03-18T17:43:00.004-05:00

Just don't do it.

Don't ask me how husband is. Don't ask me if I've talked to him. For fucks sake PLEASE don't ask when he comes home. If you ask, you are asking for it. My husband is deployed, who cares? I do of course but just drop it please. My husband has been on 5 deployments in 4 years, I'm not new to this. He hates it, the food sucks, he's bored. Thats how he's doing, you know the same as every deployment. Yes I talk to him almost daily on the AFIM on the AF Portal. We don't talk about much, mostly the dog and what we had for dinner. My life goes on in its regular boring path with or without him. I can say with a great amount of honesty nothing intresting happens just because he isn't home. And lastly people should know by now that he can't say when he's coming home and if for some reason I knew, don't kid yourself that I would share the information. Yes this is unbeliveably cranky and bordering on rude but if I get asked these 3 questions again when I come into work tomorrow like I get them everyday, I could go off.

Don't even get me started on the diffrence between spouses with children whose sponsor is deployed and those spouses without children. I will say they both have thier challenges but 1 group doesn't need to be ignored over the other. I could go on for days with this topic.

I'm cranky, hungry and I need a nap.

Intresting news..

2008-03-14T17:22:00.002-05:00

So today I went and had a chat with mother in law. I've been meaning to get over there but for one reason or another just hadn't gotten around to it. I was feeling guilty about so I went after I had lunch with my mom. We had a nice long talk about Husbands issue and our plans. She has been having a hard time with understanding why we can't just quick fix it or just take a pill to make it right. I understand thats her baby and no mother wants to hear her child has a problem like that but she makes him feel worse sometimes by being in such deep denial. I think she finally understands now but we'll see how that works out. Another thing that did suprise me was she knew about us maybe using a known donor and who it was. We weren't going to bring it up until it was a done deal, that we knew for sure he wanted to do it. From what she says he is dead set on doing it. Well alright then, thats awesome! We were going to wait until Husband got home from this deployment to bring up the issue with him, that would have given him almost months to think about it. But I'm excited, if it turns out w have to use a donor it will be nice to have one on his family tree.

In other news I'm so bummed, I was supposed to go see Elton John tonight but he cancelled and rescheduled for next month. Dammit.

Don't Tell!

2008-03-13T11:22:00.002-05:00

So I wouldn't say that this blog is a secret but Husband doesn't know I have it. I'm really good at keeping secrets, honest! But I am about to burst if i don't write this down or tell someone. OK, I have always loved New Orleans and wanted to take Husband there for years. So when he gets back from his deployment I'm taking him there on a secret roadtrip! We only live a few hours away, so I'm going to tell him that we're going to be steaming the carpets ( something I've been swearing to do forever) and thats why he has to take the dog to my moms house. While he's gone I'm going to pack. When he gets home, I'm going to go on and on about him smelling that he needs to get his dirty ass in the shower. While he is in the shower I'm going to load up the car and the gps. As soon as he gets done and is dressed I'm gonna hustle him into the car and set forth to New Orleans. Ya'll even when we get there he won't say a word! I'm not saying he isn't smart but...A few years ago after he came back from another deployment I suprised him with a trip ro Las Vegas for a week. I told him we were going to Gatlinburg with my dad and stepmom but that we were going to fly to atlanta and meet them there and then drive to Gatlinburg. ( Some backstory: We hate to drive together, if we drove cross country only 1 of us would make it back.) I told him we were flying so it wouldn't be so much of a long drive for us and a little bit of luxury for once. So we get to atlanta then board another plane to Vegas. Not a word from him. The plane gets in the air, the pilot is talking about flight times and hopes everyone enjoys Vegas. About half an hour into the flight Husband leans over and says "Did you know this flight is to Vegas?!" So I pull out a folder and show him the hotel and all the tickets I bought to shows we wanted to see AND THE MAN STILL DIDN'T GET IT! This is what happens when you marry a man for his good looks. He'll enjoy the trip though, its something we've wanted to do for years. Glad I got that off my chest!

Its not just for procreation!

2008-03-13T01:06:00.003-05:00

I have had zero sex drive the past few months. For a few months before we got our diagnosis in May of 2007, sex was becoming a scheduled, timed thing. Pretty darn unsexy sometimes. I can remember telling Husband "Look I'm tired, you don't have to impress me, just stick it in and go. Try not to move me around a lot, I have to be up early." After we got the news that it was the Husbands sperm, he understandably needed some time. He felt less of a man, which breaks my heart ya'll. We were able to move past it and get back on the stick (Heh!) but its not the same yet. Its very hard to go from yay, I'm getting laid & pregnant! to yay, I'm getting laid but what leads to something amazing for everyone else, is never gonna fucking happen for me. Its very hard to get the special feelings back. Now I know I'm lucky this is the only issue we've been having. No fighting, no sulking or holding in feelings. I think it has to do with the fact that we are both really practical people, just the facts please. The fact is we can't have a baby the way we thought, whats the next best way to do it and how soon can we sign up? I sure miss the lazy butthead, its not the same without him.

My dirty little secret

2008-03-13T00:54:00.002-05:00

The hardest part I've had to deal with, is the secret of of the nature of our infertility. There are a lot of unintelligent people who would equate a lack of sperm with a lack of manhood. Trust me ya'll Husband does not lack in that department. Its one thing for women to happen into a discussion of infertility and share a personal story while standing in line at the store or waiting for a bathroom stall. Guys would never do that. I think another factor is Husband being in the military. its all about being Manly Men. Manly men don't have health issues! They certainly don't have sperm issues. We live in an area of base housing that is sperate from the main base, just across the highway from the base. We are the only family who lives over here who don't have children. Military Spouses are always regarded as fertile beings. There is no one I can think of here who I could talk to about this. Not just the Male Factor issue but being infertile in general. It does sting a bit tonight that I found out some friends we had in Georgia who said they were totally waiting to have kids, didn't want them until he got out of the military, are totally accidently pregnant. Le Sigh.

A Fine Whine

2008-03-12T19:36:00.002-05:00

I just feel so stuck right now. My husband is deployed, won't be back for a bit yet. My PCM is screwing around with the one measly letter he has to send to get us into the IVF program we want. Its just waiting, waiting, waiting. I'm seriously thinking about switching to a diffrent place. I just need info on it. It will be in San Antonio where the Husbands brother lives. We could always crash with them or I have the hookup in lodging on the base. Its no too much of a horrific drie, only about 11 hours. I think its like 18+ to the other place we were thinking about. I'm just so sad and angry about the whole thing. Honestly I think it has more to do with its not me with the problem. If it were me I'd be researching and calling and talking about my feelings with anyone who wouold pretend to listen. We let people think the problem lies with me and I'm ok with that. Sometimes I just wanna scream I'M NOT INFERTILE!! But the truth is, I am. My husband has Male Factor and we're in this together. I'm learning day to day how to deal with this. Somedays are better, somedays its bitter, party of one. Through it all though, nothing has been able to stop me from prowling the baby aisle at Target. I freaking love the stuff there. Someday I will get to register there. Someday it'll be alright.

Right now, or really the last week I have relly been giving some thought as to how long I really want to go before we head on to adoption. Right now I think 3 cycles of IVF/ICSI will be enough. If we can't do it in 3, I don't think I'll have the financial or emotional will to go again. I'd rather regroup and move on to adoption. Saturday was a bad day. Saturday I just wanted to move on to adoption. I just want a damn baby! I really care less how it comes. I would love a biological child but I'm so not picky. I'm one bad horomonal day away from stealing a baby from wal.mart. Seriously. They just leave them there unattended. You can almost see the Free To A Good Home sign pinned to thier little onesies.

Feelings..

2008-03-12T18:53:00.002-05:00

So of course since we are dealing with infertility, everyone around us is pregnant. Without trying. By pure accident. And its funny, some of these people I am seriously excited for. Others not so much. Husband's oldest brother and his wife have been trying awhile and had a loss. They told everyone Christmas morning they were expecting. I am over the moon about being an Aunt! They totally deserve the happiness they are getting. My Stepdad's niece, she got knocked up on an oops and is due this summer. When my mom called to tell me about it, my exact words were "Who the fuck cares if someone knocked that whore up?". I have never liked the girl, thats a whole diffrent set of issues on its own But I even have to admit maybe I should have kept that to myself. I have several blogs/internet groups that I read/blelong too and I'm always soexcited and genuinely happy when those women get thier BFPs. In real life it seems to vary. Its just an odd observation I've been making about myself. ( And for the Brother-In-Law, honestly we don't care so much for each other so its not that I'm happy for them because I like them.)

I just have to say...

2008-03-05T11:49:00.003-06:00

Since the start of our journey as Infertiles, I have been seriously unimpressed by the lack of information out there about Male Factor Infertility and Donor Sperm. There is a ton of information about using donor sperm but it is all aimed at same sex couples. If it is mentioned there may be only a few sentences devoted to the subject and 45 pages on using a donor egg. For the life me I cannot figure out why using donor sperm is treated as something thats almost dirty and forbidden, like its a secret problem. But using a donor egg is a beautiful, powerful step to take. WTF? I think it comes down to sperm isn't cute. It requires masterbation and probably some copies of Hustler. Donating eggs can be a painful process but both donated egg and sperm do the same thing: They help couples acheive what they desire most aboue all else, a baby. I just wish there wasn't such a wall around the subject. There is an RE in our town that comes so highly reccommended. We went to see him and told him that there is a chance we might use a known donor. He told us flat out he wouldn't use a known donor. ButI bet if my cousin or want wanted to donoate her eggs to me it wouldn't be an issue. Needless to say we won't be using that doctor, even if we have to travel outside of our area. I don't need small minds around me. This is hard enough as it is without some guys opinion. There are a few good books out there, Helping The Stork has been a lifesaver but its one book out of thousands. I could go on for days on the subject, it just really chaps my ass.

All About Me!

2008-03-04T12:46:00.001-06:00

My name is Amy, I'm so close to 30 I could lick it. I live in Florida with my husband and our sweet baby dog, Roxie. I have a job I hate but I keep plugging away at it everyday anyway. If I had the body to strip I probably would. I read A LOT, usually a book a day and I enjoy grape juice and doritos. I think I'm stunningly average and I'm sure the dog agrees with me, she has killer instincts.

I'm an only child, my parents have taken the sport of remarriage to olympic levels and never had another biological child. I was adopted by my 1st stepfather who promptly turned out to be an asshat ( this is THE nicest thing can say about him) which saddled me with a truly awful last name which allowed me to be made fun of all though school. Thanks mom! To make matters worse they were divorced by the time I was 13, my good fortune would continue for several years. I'm closest to my Grandparents, I love them to bits. I met my husband in high school but we didn't date or anything, we were very diffrent. He played D&D and I was So Goth I Was Dead. A few years after high school we met up again ( ok, ok, on the internet!). We had our first date August 31, 2001 and got married September 6, 2002. It all happened pretty fast for us we were actually engaged by Christmas 2001. We've been married for almost 6 years now. He is in the military and so far we have lived in Georgia and Florida.

We pretty much started trying for a baby right away. Thats what military people do. They get married young and have lots of kids. We felt confident it could happen to us too. We didn't try really hardcore, like with OPKs and temping but we figured just keep plugging away and it'll happen. If it takes a few months thats ok, we really weren't in a rush. We moved from Georgia to Florida, had a few deployments, some hurricane evacuations, so obviously there were some times where we didn't or couldn't try. I'd get a little down sometimes but I figured all in good time. We had only been married 3 years, we enjoyed our time together, not worried about not being pregnant yet. There is another factor to this story though. I had steaily over the years been gaining weight. I had major thyroid problems and medication wasn't helping. I developed Diabetes. And Gout. And High Blood Pressure. I was on 8 medications a day. I was in no shape to be having a baby really. So I made the choice to have Gastric Bypass. As soon as i made this choice we stopped trying for a baby. It took almost a year from the time I decided to have the surgery to the day they wheeled me into the operating room. It was the best choice I ever made. I have lost 90 pounds so far and I fell great and normal!

You have to wait a year to 18 months after surgery to start having babies. I waited and then we went at it with gusto! Fertility rates sky rocket after surgery since your body is so much healthier. Still no baby. One day on the off hand chance I suggested that my husband go get tested, its free so why not? The problem was all mine anyway, what with being overweight and having health problems. The husband is healthy as a horse! Except his semen anylsis came back no sperm found. So did the next one and the 6 tests after that. We were floored. He went through all kinds of tests, had to show his weiner to so many people and be fondled by unattractive nurses. We had his chromosomes checked, blood tested, ultrasounds, xrays the whole 9 yards. But it all came back the same. If he was producing sperm it wasn't coming out and they didn't know why. They didn't even know if was producing sperm at all.

So thats where we are now. Its been almost a year since we got the diagnosis of Azoospermia. We decided to use donor sperm becuase they said surgery wouldn't help they didn't expect to find anything. Then they back tracked and said no we could find sperm we just have to dig for it. We were going to use an unkown donor until someone in his family said they wanted to be the donor. This is still an issue that is up in the air. We're giving this person time to think his choice through. We're going to be doing IVF/ICSI. Now its just a matter of saving the money and figuring out the donor. ( We have a list of unkown donors should the known donor decide not to do it. Which I will totally understand. We lived for months with the idea of an unkown donor before the known donor offered, its not too much of stretch to go back to an unkown.)

Now something thats funny to maybe just us

2008-03-03T10:46:00.002-06:00

A few months ago the husband and I were trying to find a parking spot at a shopping center and it was cold and raining which meant all the nearest spots were gone. The only parking spaces even remotely near the store entrance were the Expectant Mother/ Parents Of Newborns parking spaces. I love these spaces! I think they are a great idea and they have them all over Florida. Lately however, in my brain its just one more thing the motherhood club has excluded me from: a primo parking space when its cold and raining. So I turn to the husband and say "We should totally be allowed to park there. I'm an expectant mother! I'm expecting to get pregnant any day now!". We laughed and laughed and its something that always makes us giggle now when we see the signs. I really think I should be allowed to park there if the parking lot is pretty much empty and that space is free. ( No matter how evil I get I don't think I could honestly take that space if it was the last one. Give me a few more months.)

Scene from a mall

2008-03-03T10:30:00.002-06:00

So. This weekend I was at our local mall. It was saturday and of course packed with all kinds of babies, toddlers, small children and heavily pregnant women. Yay. But I needed an outfit for when my husband gets home from his deployment so i just needed to suck it up and try to stick to the four main stores and hope to avoid crowds. I find the perfect outfit, the pants and shirt were on sale, I was on a roll. I'm standing in line behind a woman with her friend and shes holding a baby who looks to be about 6-8 months old. Very cute. I'm doing ok, no bad feelings, just a baby being a baby and I'm cool with it. Then the mother starts very loudly talking about how much it sucks to have a small baby, she's tired, its hard, no one mentioned it would be hard, her life sucks. And this is when it all goes down hill. This woman had not exactly regained her figure after she had her baby and from her reaction to what would come out of my mouth I would say she was kind of sensitive to that fact. Without really even thinking about it I pipe in with "Wow then its really lucky then that you able to get pregnant with your next baby so soon! How far along are you?". Two things: 1) She obviously wasn't pregnant I just wanted to be a dick. Mission accomplished. 2) I used to be fat. Like I had gastric bypass a year ago fat. I know exactly how mean I sounded and how much it hurt because I had people ask me if I was pregnant more times than I can count. But I did it anyways and didn't care. Its times like this I really realize how this whole infertility thing is changing me and bringing out my not so nice side. And let me be honest here that was my dominate side to start with so now I'm just some raging bitch who snaps at the mall on a balmy Saturday.